The Most Painful Thing To Learn Thus Far

The Most Painful Thing To Learn Thus Far

The most painful thing I have learned in my life is probably the most painful lesson anyone could ever learn. It is the lesson of losing love; the lesson of abandonment. I have been associated so far much so with this concept that it is extremely hard to write about. Ever since I was born, abandonment has been a key motif in the story of my life. The people who are supposed to care about a child the most, my parents, were not around. When they were, they would always fight, always abuse each other. They hate each other. I have memories of when I was 1, far earlier than most people have. I believe this is due to the violent nature in the learning of my lesson of self-reliance. My whole childhood is filled with examples of abandonment and abuse, which Freud would say will lead me to more likely have bad relationships. This has thus far been proven true, for ALMOST every love I have leaves me, or is never actually WITH me, or decides to become promiscuous. I never understand what I do that merits such an outcome, but it happens every time. I quest for a love that is pure, a love that will not leave, a love that is permanent. I placate myself by delving into the realms of music, putting myself in a state of reclusion. My outer defense is to become something of an intellectual bully. I put forward my cleverness and reflexive commentary as a means to protect myself from getting another lesson in abandonment. Because if you haven’t already had a lesson in this particular subject, you will, and you know nothing of stoicism. The initial reaction to it is indifference, followed by a sense or mourning combined with pangs of longing. These become associated with a feeling of foreboding and self-loathing or pity. This has taught me to be more wary of the outside world, to be more distrusting. It seems unfair that I should have to have these feelings, and consider them normal. Resentment boils in my blood and I wish for divergence from this.