One Way Pilgrimage

One Way Pilgrimage

Walks through the swamps
In the end of his days
The crimes witnessed too much to bear
Carries a burden on his shoulders
Slips in the leeching marsh, thrice
But too early, his curse unfulfilled
Wandering in wonder, the search:
A solitary burial by his own hands
Ostracized to point of no return
Grey skies cry in understanding
Winds blowing the dirges harmonized
A fell tree marks the spot
Essence of life to be locked away
Now, as he sinks under the weight
An open berth for death
A place to rest without fear
A place for him to end his life

Piece by Piece

Piece by Piece

Forever parasitic seduction to awful
Realms of putrefaction, horrifying pasts
Disturbing, the workings of my mind, disgusted
Declaration holocaust upon these thoughts
Cover them when they won’t leave me alone
The pain lives on, for memories: eternal
The ache, not gone, irreverent memorial
Icy grip, cloister me in falsely; Death
Lidless eyes: ever-watching, all-seeing
Manic hands reach for escape
Claw for the space, the room to breathe
Gasp my last breath when it doesn’t come
Piece by piece I fall apart
On it goes until nothing remains

Words of Waste, part I

Words of Waste, part I

I’ll close my eyes but the tears still fall
Speechless, as if lumps in my throat
Curse this cold familiarity
The raven calls from his shady patch
Cackling at what he sees from the trees:
A lonely boy crying himself to sleep
A lonely boy writing words of waste

There for me

There for me

It was a lie that
You’d be there for me
Now I’m half alive
You weren’t there for me

Next time I’ll stop and think
Before I break in half
Wishing there’d be someone
To make it all better

I can’t be angry
Because it’s not worth it
But I’ll feel it anyway
Guilty on my conscience

Impudent

Impudent

How is it that in an empty hall
Two people can pass without acknowledgement
Impudent, the lot; uncaring, without thought

The world we once knew, we outgrew
As if all hope flew out the window
So few remain who know the truth

Nothing to show what’s worthwhile
While people sell themselves, sell themselves short
Nightlife is their only opinionated poll

Unwritten; Written

Unwritten; Written

All these words die in my mind
Give them up, decide they’re not right
My mind is Cane; thoughts: Abel
Able and willing to sacrifice tears
How to decide what’s right to write
See I’ve already done it here
Throwing out ideas; then pursue
So hard to write about not-writing

Emerald Eyes

Emerald Eyes

Your kiss lingers on my lips, sweetly
The scent of you better than jasmine and roses
More beautiful than a valley of flowers
Inspiring radiant thoughts
How easy it is to fall for you
The passion embrace; wishing
Wishing that time would stand still
So I could keep you in my arms forever
There, the evils of the world can’t touch you
In my arms, you are safe with me
Your emerald eyes match your name
And both are beauty, without flaw
Your flaming hair blows gently in the wind
Landing upon your magnificently smooth shoulders
To the pieces of peace around your neck.

She, Part II

She, Part II

I change for her, she not for me
I make what is good for her
Total disregard, everything for her
When will she feel the same?
Virtue of love, born in my mind
My heart and soul abide as well
If she would only try, it’s all I ask
Please fix me as I have you
She is a dream, just smoke and mirrors
If she were real, she’d help,
If she were real, she’d love…

Can It Be

Can It Be

Love is a double edged sword of Damocles
I wish for it but only from her
But is she real? She is to me
Coming to visit me in dreams
I want to be with her, forever
Sleeping is the only time she appears
Daydreaming I am happy, I get to be with her
When I’m not I feel it all
I never want to feel anything again but her
Is it wrong to want to never wake up
No one else knows you like I
And I want to be your all
Yet she doesn’t show; only rarely
But even with only then, I just can’t stop
Wondering… is she more than a dream? A vision perhaps?
I can only dream it to be, only dream it to be

Change

Change

New winds are blowing
As fortune waves goodbye
The time for change is thrust upon us
The parting time is high
Leaves once green, now red and gold
Seasons pass as time grows old
Love appears, it may fade away
The events of past ought naught rule today
Sunrise gleams golden on the morn of tomorrow
Decisions to choose; which path to follow
One thing is certain, it’s always the same:
Life isn’t life without any change

Walls, part 1

Walls, part 1

Resolved to living in solitude
Consoled by the hapless attitude
Thrown against walls I can’t tear down
These walls confine all I am
But in them I can hide from the world
I can escape while still in hell
So technically I’m never free
Living a lonely life, loving those who don’t
Left to be adrift for all of eternity

Parasite

Parasite

Suck all my willpower out
Drain me of my freedom
Abuse me for all I own
Linger so close yet so far away
Burn you out? Impossible.
Love, my life-blood, leeching away
My obsession turns to depression
Everything I have, taken away
Slowly, though, that’s the key,
The key to ultimate torture is sloth.

Why, part 1

Why, part 1

Take away all your pain,
Throw it in the corner
Unknowingly I find myself there
It all piles on me, higher and higher
Why must I drown in your tears
Worked to the point of exhaustion
I try for the surface, but sink deeper
I can’t scrub out the memories
Or wash away my personality
My hands, why? I cry again
Wishing there was reasons
Of why I became this monster
Creatures that dwell in darkness, my soul
Why be entertained by this
Carousel of nightmarish horrors
Phantasmagoric grip holding, crushing
Just like I am used to
I ask myself why, and why again
But no one answers
Symphonies of silence fill up
Infinite halls of misery
Listening to nothing
One last time.
Wallowing; and this sinking feeling
Grows inside, pain spreads
Hollowness eating me alive
I am a gourd of sorrow
Fill me up, pour me out
Why me, oh why me
Crying cold and alone, I crumble
Why, why me, what did I do
Will I live like this forever till I die?
I take one step forward, thirteen back
Unlucky, my middle name
As the noose tightens around my throat
I ask myself why, and why again
It festers within me, eating the core of my soul
It is always darkest before the light
It’s just a scratch, or is it
The million dollar question, should I stay or should I go?

Trapped in my head

Trapped in my head

Constant prison of my mind
Locked away from reality
Distorted glimpses of the outside
[To] the darkest corner I run and hide
Wait for black to envelop me
It’s so lonely here, it’s so lonely

Built for the one who dwells
In solitude; haunting memories
I’m trapped with no way out
I’m locked away; forever always

Three

Three

How can three words do so much, mean the change?
Unrelenting painful existence, a warhead
Three words can consume even the greatest man
To the meek it is a toxic cloud
With fallout remaining to get all the rest
Ash and brimstone, the floes of Death himself
Rubble and debris, the anthem of lacklustered survivors
All from the three words, an unholy trinity
Three pillars of henceforth destruction, uttered by demons
A triple entente, the spearhead forged in fires; cruel
The jowls of three raise the hackles of the few
Upon entering, descend into the bowels, three surrounds
Trivestiges claw: tooth and nail; what’s none of three?
It is the three-fingered granite fist that kills
Their roots hidden, vague, withdrawn from the mire
Another three can set them free; perilous few
Only time shall tell, more than a couple: three

Them

Them

Grasping ahold of me
They surround all sides
My weakness is preyed upon
Again and again I fall
Becoming a routine now
Bits and fragments of my pain
Show through in my words
Never good enough, not I
Do I deserve the desertions?
Am I reflect the rejections?
Should I wallow within
Or will I try fighting to win?

The Shiny

The Shiny

So appealing, shiny is the way to go
Why do I resist your temptations
You call my name out loud again and again
You almost succeed a few times
Luring me in with falsities and lies
Crying, you look so good, take me
Take me away from the realities, releasing memories
Cutting deeper with every stroke, you feed
The flesh removed, fully exposed
Dripping away, the tears, the blood, pool together
Freeing me from this aberration that is my life
Escape not just a thought or feeling; a truth
Depart this world forever...

The Eagle

The Eagle

From the start I flew
Gaining momentum
Challenges appearing, I conquer
Threatened by internal conflict
I do not back down
Flocks of blackbirds
Swarm overhead, so I
Fly upward and intimidate
My ingeniousity guarantees my
Security of survival. Out of
Nowhere, a stray falcon hits me
Full gale, with my own feathers
Now my quest is to
Remain the best, so I
Assert my authority and
Taunt the blackbirds
Indiscriminately discriminating
And sink with the weight
But one day I will fly to the top again.

Tears aren’t there

Tears aren’t there

Are you my messiah
Please say yes, I’ve waited so long
I am growing impatient for a savior
You are never the one, never
I feel only the shell of the emotions anymore, it stores up
I can’t cry, the tears aren’t there
No matter how hard I try
Hypocriticizing myself and the others around
Just for your own gains
Just to put me to rest.

Stepping Stone [Stepped On]

Stepping Stone [Stepped On]

Bleed me out, I never belonged
Burn the memories, burn the evidence
That you ever knew me at all
Just another stone to step on
Cracked and walked all over
Broken in every way.

The silence kills me, I cant just be alone
Because loneliness brings out a different side of me
The blue skies taunt me with their false hopes
Rain rain come today
Come forever and a day

If I make mountains out of molehills
Then I’ve raised the Himalayas
Every time I think, it comes true
Nightmares threaten to consume
My ghastly existence hides nothing.

Someone New

Someone New

Out of the old, disparaging mire
Came someone new
Will she be any different?
I’ll never know until she isn’t
How can I expose myself again?
To be killed emotionally again
Or will she be different?
I can only hope, wait, and see
What will I do if she is the same?
I can’t even take the loneliness as it was
To be put there again….oh…please….don’t
Say anything, make me better, make it right
Or I don’t know what I’ll do
Angels turn into vampires when left alone
But also when they’re together…paradoxical.

Small Change Or None At All

Small Change Or None At All

Life: the game I’m losing
Hate: the thoughts I’m choosing
Pain enough for everyone
Lingers in me, I alone
What did I do
To deserve these
Incessant burdens, which

Family: the biggest lie that
Suicide: the path I’m headed
Metal my only savior
Until I met you, then
I changed, I feel it
You give me
The love I need

Side Note

Side Note

It’s all I am, or at least
It’s all I feel like
Oh sure, there are times I feel like big news
But those are the times I’m away
Engrossing myself in lands fantasy
Renew my real world nightmare
Make it a dream that
I can live in

Shower

Shower

I feel it, the time
Of pains, long lost and brand new
Every second of the century
Crying without release
I wish for something, anything
To escape from my torment
Forever unrelenting, the anguish
Trying to wash away my thoughts
Scouring my flesh, near clean
But I cannot rinse the memories
I cannot free myself, be released
Slipping on the proverbial slide
Farther and farther, I sink
Down the drain, nightmarish journey
The pain is past skin deep
Soap has no effect, dulls the senses
I don’t want to drown but I want out

Reaper Cometh

Reaper Cometh


O, the Reaper shall cometh this dark night
Taking away until first light
The dawn races to save what it can
Though darkness may prevail
The Gatekeeper’s sleigh rides on this dark night
While the murderous slay innocent life
The Righteous join forces to defend and protect
Though in the end who will fail?
Hell visits Earth at the witching hour
Striking fear, using fierce demonic power
Dead and undead unite this dark night
Though hidden under a veil
Good versus Evil, Dark against Light
Who will emerge victorious at the end of the fight?

O, the Reaper is cometh this dark night
Slashing away with the blade of his scythe
The Righteous strike with honor, valor, and love
Though innocence neither can feign
The evil black tactics: lie, cheat, and deceive
Thieves among men have earned what they receive
This pogrom is unlike all before
Though each side is feeling the pain
Fortresses reduced to rubble and ashes
Skulls and Bones slash leaving dark cursed gashes
The nightmares come alive this dark night
Though the night is beginning to wane
Who is to say who is evil or right?
Only one thing matters; winning the fight

O, the Reaper hath cometh this dark night
Desecrated wastelands all that remain in sight
The waged war saw many a’ spent soul
Though neither can say they have won
Nor Reaper nor Righteous stood down in the fray
Hubristic motives unattained; heresy reigns this dark day
Polar coalition a nonvexillary and forsaken path
Though the war is completely and utterly done
Scattered bodies as far as eyes can see
Decrepit remains, crumbled strongholds, and charred forestry
A now barren, lifeless void from whence it all began
Though a ray of hope shines from the sun
Reaper and Righteous depart this dark night
Neither hath won, both lost this fight

Ode to Toilet

Ode to Toilet


You complete me.
When I
Want to
Let
It all out,
I find
Solace in your
Comfort
Porcelain beauty, my
Friendly commode.
Sitting on
A
Throne
I am
Taken to
Another world
Elevated to
A new
Status
Yet your purpose
Is not so clean
Filthy miscreants abuse
You
Know better
I can
Go
To you
In times
Of need
You make me
Feel better
When
I’m sick
I don’t hold back
I can throw
It all
At you
And you
Sit there
Just
Taking the
Maltreatment
The punishment a
Daily routine
Your poor cousins
That suffer in
Public settings
Humanity brought this upon Themselves
Separation from them
Lonely I write to you
Upon
you
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry for the grief.

Ode to Flagpole

Ode to Flagpole


I am:
The Staff of Freedom
Holding up our
Fallen compatriots
Soldiers giving
Their lives for
My
Precious cargo
The cannonade soars past
Me
Making waves on
My seas of cloth
The evils of each
Appropriate to
The other
Each fighting the war
For individuality
Millions being
Slaughtered
Under me
I:
Proudly wave
For troops defeated
Battles to tell about
Happening
Today, here
And now
Under me
Why does my
Payload
Have to be
The first
To go?
Picked out from
The army
Of others
I burn
Enemy fire threatens to
Knock me over
Ricochet the chain reaction
Of defeat
Sound the bugle;
I’m hit, we lost
Retreat, help me
The lost linger
In death’s grip
Fallen comrades,
Friends of
A
Different time
I hold up their
Memories, stitched into
My payload, live on
Through remembrance
And adoring the
Admiration of my
Ability to ascend
The atrocities of
Attrition to
A new level
I live on in spirit
One day,
I will stand proud
And support again
The symbol of a nation
Upon my breast
The upheaval
Around me
Causing turmoil
Once more a
New battle
I stand sentry for
A generation
Of cynics
Watching, witnessing
Revolutions abounding
Around me
Yet throughout
It all;
I stand, humbly
Embracing the truth
Embodied, entwined
In my friend’s
Intricate stitches
Fifty stars of gold,
Cry freedom to the world
Thirteen stripes of
Red and white
Show the world of our
Fight through the night
A lesson I help demonstrate
By holding ground,
Unwavering, tall and still as
A giant sequoia
Silently, in solitude
I display my most worthy
Memories on the end of a pole
I am: unchanging.

Ode to Cheese

Ode to Cheese


Fair Cheddar, my
Heart lies with you
Or does
It belong to smoky
Signora Gouda?
My American ways
Call for a
Swiss invasion
Holeyer than thou
Mr. Jack
I cannot lie
Your varieties entice
And Pepper me
With your love
But Cousin Provolone
Has
Flown in from
A faraway land
Where he is
Famous
Old man Limburger
A biting,
Nasty fellow
You come in
Many moods
Sadness known
To you,
Rhapsody in Bleu
Bring me more Brie
By the bucketful,
I belong
Don’t forget crazy
Uncle Steinbuscher and
Aunt Weisslacker
German counterparts residing
In my pit
At the point
Of no return
Fed up with Feta
Look!
In the sky!
It’s a bird! No!
It’s a plane! No!
It’s…
Muenster Mozzarella Man!
Packed away is
Ricky Ricotta
In his noodle
Outfit
Like his twin’s
Tortellini suitcase
Don’t forget our brothers
To the south:
Oaxaca, Quesillo, and
Asadero
I think I shall
Build a cheese Cottage of
Brick and Cream cheese mortar
To live in until I grow
As ripe as an
Old Farmer cheese.

Not Erased

Not Erased

I wish I could delete the memories
Just like the messages
But the hurt will remain
No doubt it will return.
Staring for hours at your words
Realizing they’re lies, I whimper and cry
Composing all these notes of sadness
Drives me to the edge of madness

No One

No One

Will I grow old alone
With no one around
A hermit living with myself, bad company
A recluse who crawls away from no one
The 80 year old virgin and bachelor
Is this me, can I change it
Am I writing my own future
Self-sacrifice leading to inevitable outcomes
Lonely but free or loved and losing
My generosity manipulated for others by others
Will I be singled out for eternity
I conduct this orchestra of abandonment
Playing the symphony of perpetual doubt
Encoring for no one, emptiness abounding
Destined to be alone, no sign of others
A desolate lifestyle with no one, but it’s mine

La Luna

La Luna

Hearing the phrase
Or seeing its phases
Sear the recollections of all else
The day hides all your pain
But under cover of darkness,
Another side is revealed, to you alone
So, really, what’s the point?
To every light there’s a dark
Not always a calm before the storm
A tortured and impacted witness
Scarred with the age of years
Scaring, bring forth tears and fears
Look to you for guidance, but
You aren’t always there.
When you are gone, all is lost.
When you are fully awake, all is lost.
Only the space in between is normalcy.

I’m the Puppet

I’m the Puppet

Pull my strings harder, make me dance
Happy on the outside
Forgotten on the outside
The plays I perform cast doubt
The character is drawn about
Pulled by the ropes, tighter; tossed around
The tempest of the stage
Controlling my every move
In this theater I don’t act
Others do for me, or they would
If there were anyone else
Who’s my puppeteer?...

For all the ones who went through hell, part 1

For all the ones who went through hell, part 1

For all the ones who went through hell
To find out that was only the beginning
Serving the meals of a madman
The depths left untouched, only surface scars
From bombs dropped and cities lost
To the shootout for the elusive mystery assassin
Rocky outcrops won’t stop the eagle from reaching the top
From its wings come forth salvos of death rain
To all who fly the other way

Finally

Finally

Why do I cry now; I’m happy
With you I’m finally free [unforgotten]
Needed and wanted [a first]
Thank you for saving me

I finally feel the love I’ve never had
You are my dream girl, I’ll give my
Heart, body, mind, and soul to you
I don’t know what to do if you don’t
I want to be with you forever
The only man you’ll ever need

Fallen Comrades

Fallen Comrades


We gather in remembrance of they who died
Passing on those views, internal struggles
Cut down by the seas of bullets, wave by wave
Ebb and flow like the sands of time
Unrelenting, the deafening roar of guns and clocks
Ticking away all their lives, ending with a grand finale
They want to come home… but not like this, heavy losses incurred
One day everyone will go home and be laid to rest
Or lay forever on the scarred pitch of hates
Staring at the unreachable skies… forgotten they remain

Echoes, part 1

Echoes, part 1

Everything becoming familiar
Recurring to be, again, again…
Echoes of a former life haunt my new one
I can’t be without, it’s my curse
I live perpetual doubt, it’s my curse
Always filling the gaps in my own sanity
With another she, every time.
I have to trust in difference.
The echoes of so long ago, when
All was right, it doesn’t feel the same now
Oddly I feel the echoes of depression
For some unexplained reason
Shouldn’t I be happy? Or is it illusory?
She seems great, she seems right
Is it all a dream? It should be good
But all I feel is emptiness
Is it the echoes returning again?
I have it all, or at least enough.
Or is there something missing?

buried alive

BURIED ALIVE

Do you ever have that feeling of numbness?
And cold dripping and flowing along your entire spine?
And feel lower than shit… again?
You know I get that all the time
The numbness is like a void, and I feel it’s empty
It starts in my soul and then it grows and grows and grows
And then I feel like I'm being drained within
And then your heart and lungs sometimes panic
And cause panic attacks that no one can see or tell are happening
I don’t know what, I feel it right now.... maybe it’s because it’s all I've ever known
I felt like stress and hopelessness were converging,
Trying and caring, I'm done with
I know the feeling
I am hanging on by a thread
I'm the broken thing on the ground
No one can fix it
People kick and laugh at it
And taunt the nothing that exists
I am a novelty, a plaything, to be taken advantage of
Kick you while your down is not quite enough
I get more even as you beg for less
Writhing and coiling on the ground I wait for someone to dig my grave
But no one shows up, I am my own crypt keeper
Bury myself alive, if that’s what I think it’s called

big lie

Big Lie

I did something horrible today
Just for personal gains I lie
Losing a chance over forgotten recollections
Hurt for consolation; alone again; I lie
The big lie to break it off, my second
False promises unknowing at the time
Lying to escape, so different from before
New pasts revealed to me, I wish not to know
Nightmares smashed become broken dreams
The big lie told for abandonment, unchanging

6 or 7

6 or 7

Don’t tell me that I’ve
Worked this hard
Just for you to judge me
You want more than I offer
But I can’t go back, too late
Are you so shallow to hurt me
With this of all things?!
The thing that hurts me most
To lead me on, then drop and break me
I always go too far, why
Why did I not stop while ahead
Now you know me and I’m through and done