Martyrdom Before Chaosity

Martyrdom Before Chaosity

24 hours ago he was in heaven
24 hours after he’s in hell
What happened?!

Reality takes its course, cold as ice
Mourning bells toll their lament
Struck down by waves of torment
Martyred by the love nonexistent
Silence, since dawn immemorial
Silence echoes in his empty soul

Seeking solace from his solitude
He who loveth an angel shall fall
Such a dire predicament is his
So he turns to self-loathing
Hating himself to love others
Society loving to hate him
Until raptures flame out around him

The fires scathing those not he
Skies bruised black and blue; chaos
Pitched into an anarchaic state; worlds lost, dreams nightmared
Terror and demons walk and stalk survivors

An angel, alone, cries to herself amidst the devastation
The mortal martyr sees; rushes to save her
Murders of the flesh and mind happen all around
Raping the righteous of body and soul
Horrors see the noble cause of the hermit
Attempting to halt and remove both angel and man

Locked in the epic struggle for love or death
The lonely soul, feeling useless, gives it his all one last time
Fighting unarmed but the love on his side; a madman
Dancing with the devil for the angel to live, regardless
Satan intimidated by the lost one’s vengeance dealt, blow by blow
Crimson thoughts aflame with hope extinguished
But the blackest thoughts die then as well

At the end all is gone. An angel remains weeping.
Corpses litter the once picturesque landscape, fires burn
The sky starts to clear, the angel takes one last look
Remembering the man martyred to save her
Interring his body and entering his soul, sees his love
Undying, it now lives on in her breast, eternal.
Flying into the widening blue, happier an angel never was.

an angel

An Angel

An angel floated down from heaven
And I knew I loved her then
A demon she once loved, but
Then he broke her heart, and
She came to me crying
I held her in my arms
I wiped away her tears
And I knew I loved her then
And I know I always will

She is an angel, I have fallen for I realize
As I gaze into her beautiful eyes, I see into paradise
Cradling her glorious body in my arms, I have pure bliss
And this moment is kept forever, sealed with a kiss

another failure

Another Failure

I went in knowing I lost
But I fought anyway
A pitched match, loaded against me
Why do I always set myself up to fail
And get hurt the whole time
I wear my broken heart on my cold, chipped shoulder
Depressed and hypocritical with my next
Emotional abuser, for my own motives
To help both of us, but it’s not working
I failed again, utterly alone, by lies
A race against love, one I always lose
Crying over my failures
Past, present, and future
Inverted and upset, this routine? False.
The guilt feasts on what’s left of my soul
Once again, I complete this failure

autumn hours

Autumn Hours

My life has been filled with hardships
But I hold no grudge
I willingly oblige, the whip cracks again
Snaps my back, leaving scars
I’m holding on by thin strips of overworked flesh
Your stranglehold becomes tighter everyday
Chains of your lacking love weigh me down
Pull me closer to the brink of death

Tighten the noose around my neck
My will from yours, it cowers
Pull me under, mister reaper
These are my autumn hours

Beautificality/ Die Once More

Beautificality/ Die Once More

Stricken with grief
The pain runs deep
Long time coming, you’re here now
So close but so far away
Comfort me? Maybe one day
Beautificality lingering beside
Innocence lost, stolen by another
Just once can it be me?
Feigning malignancies
Another day goes by the same
Waiting for a chance, watching
Clocks tick my time away
I stand resurrected to pain
Beheaded of happiness
I walk away….again

Every time I cry I die once more
All of it brought back to kill me
Every day I try I die once more
Infinite cycle of imminent wastation
Every time I cry I die once more
Your Beautificality, untouchable forever
Every day I try I die once more
Set me free with your love

decision

Decision

What do you want me to say?
What do you want me to do?
I have no idea what my life has become
This debauchery of pain and mortal desire? Is this it?
Love is my savior, and it is lost among
The nothingness I feel and the void that’s left me for dead
That’s the dilemma, isn’t it?
I’ll be damned if I do, damned if I don’t
There is no right answer to that question
And the answer I want is the answer I fear
It will eat me like a vortex, hungry
Until I cease to be
The jeopardy of choosing and crushing or leaving and losing
This is a moral peril, I need to decide…

déjà vu

Déjà vu

I’ve been down this road before
The pain, the tears; suffrage
I’ve sunk so low in the past
Dissatisfaction flowing fast
I’ve known what it’s like to be hurt
Your voice roping me back in
I’ve fallen to be crushed
Stricken with déjà vu

I’ve lived this life of misery
It seems the only thing I know
I’ve grown distant from everyone
Hardened by myself
I’ve seen the wounds love can inflict
Experienced firsthand, by me
I’ve slipped right back into my ways
Stricken with déjà vu

I’ve marveled at the spectacles
Haunting poltergeists of memories
I’ve freed myself of regret
Dawning on me, revelations scream
I’ve counted my withering hopes
Once again, lined with acid
I’ve crumbled away into nothing
Stricken with déjà vu

dominion

Dominion

I do whatever it takes
To come out on top
Anything, anything to win
Everything a cold calculation
Of usefulness and necessity
Ruthless in determination
Conquering to control
Mastery of a dominion
Somehow I fail, even with
All my intellect, vastly superior
And I still can’t win
Resultant products are that
I hate love and I love hate
The smallest things make me
think I’m happy or set me off
I am the callous of the Earth
To be rubbed off one day soon
…the minion of a dominion of pain

drowning

Drowning

My image of love just a wishful dream
Happiness is something I’m without until you
Can you help me, can you help me?
I’m sinking deeper everyday into
This ocean of sadness that’s swallowing me
I need you, even if it’s all
Just for me to stay afloat
Please don’t leave me, you are my compass
Guide me out of here, I’m beginning to drown
My lifeboat and hope all are you
Can you take me far far away?
I’ll go anywhere with you once I am
Gone from the seas of sorrows

I am drowning, sinking quickly
To the depths of despair
Can you hold me?
Can you save me?
Can you be my air?
Can you… love me?...

every

Every

Go on, take your place
With all the others
Pick on me, I don’t fight back
I lie about it anyway
I fall into self-loathing and
Am filled with rage
It courses through my veins
Everyone I ever love gets
Everything they ever want and more
But they just bite the hand that feeds until it bleeds
I hate love but it’s all I want
Punching mental holes in everyone and everything
I can’t live like this, it’s gotta be me or them
Every little thing sets me off like a bomb
I’m ticking the last times away until I explode
Every second counts down until the day that
I can’t control it all

Set it off and set me free
Go on, start some fucking shit with me
I’ll beat you down, and then some more
I’ll send you running to knock on Death’s door
So get the fuck outta my way

fall away

Fall Away

Sitting here, blinking, thinking
One last time I will
Every time I fall it hurts more
And I don’t want to fall again
Make this my last words
I want the pain to be gone
I feel only hurt, day and night
Only one way to remove it
Dig it out, cut it away
I’m sick of hating life
I want to end it, right here and now
I never care about anything anyway
Just maintaining my fake image
Taking a breath, I try to find myself
And failing, blame it on him, the Neverwas
No, blame it on me, I don’t care
I just want to go

Falling, the breeze chills
My broken heart and frozen bones
My mind snaps with the rest
No turning back now…

hey there

Hey There

Hey there beautiful
Standing there in front of me
Hey there beautiful
Your pretty face is all I see
Hey there beautiful
I think of you do you think of me
Hey there beautiful
I love you more than love can be

Hey there wonderful
My mind and soul long for you
Hey there wonderful
Without you what would I do
Hey there wonderful
Everything reminds me of you
Hey there wonderful
I love you more than the sky is blue

Hey there lovable
Cry on my shoulder and go to sleep
Hey there lovable
You are all that I want to keep
Hey there lovable
I think of you before I go to sleep
Hey there lovable
I love you more than the ocean is deep

I Wait For You [Part 1]

I Wait For You [Part 1]

I can’t help you
But I try anyway
I always will
Your hurts hurt me too
I spend everything on you
My cash, love, and time
Don’t forget the thoughts
I can’t because you are
All I ever think about anyway

I wait for you to be mine
One last chance before I’m gone
Please don’t make me fall down again
I’m sick of love not being returned

I fall too hard too fast
And it always hurts me more
I overdose on you, you fill me
But the high is broken quickly
And I sink back down again
Watching everything fall apart around me

Why do I always wonder why
My past is what ruins my future
I fuck everything up every time
So why do I even fucking try

imitation love

Imitation Love

Screaming my heart out
My lungs collapse;
Burdens against my chest.
I can’t do anything right
I come home to a place that isn’t
Moving from the halls of one hell
To the rooms of another
I blast the metal to drown my sorrows
I cry when no one watches
Which happens a lot; loneliness infects me
I bury myself in worlds dreamed
Listening and writing, I fade away
Only to be jerked back in again
By the cold grip of imitation love
Is this all I can have?

losing it

Losing It

This shortness of breath, it’s not my first
Pain wells in my chest, my heartbeat races
I don’t know if I can bite back the tears this time

One too many times is not quite right
It’s more than every day’s infinite struggle
It’s the silencing of the voices inside
That causes me to tremble and shake, I feel it coming on
Another panic attack, a wave of depression
Anxiety eating my heart out and
The pain devouring what’s left of it

I’m losing it, make it all stop and go away
I cant stop thinking about my steady stream of failures
Every time I see you I think and hope
But you crash it all on my head, pain rains down all around
You reign in my heart yet you don’t want to
You just throw it all away and me with it
All I want is love, will I never find anyone for me?...

loving to hate you

Loving To Hate You

They say it’s better to have loved than lost; society’s great lie
I lost my love to another; I don’t think I’ll get it back
My heart shattered in millions of pieces; fragments of a dying soul
Hell is my life without you; being with you is worse
Ignored, abandoned, mistreated; blackening my will
I hate you with a broken love born of passion
Forgotten and hollow, my wishes unfulfilled

no place for you here

No Place For You Here

Look at you: washed up, burned out
There's no place for you here
Your tears keep falling
But no one’s watching
Your heart’s been shattered
Broken by your haunting past
It festers within me,
Eating away at the core of my soul
Is it always darkest before the light?
Or does it remain eternally black?
You are two people
You are two people
One: result of bygone tragedy
Two: masquerading your normality
You are two people
You are two people
…And you are me

not to cry

Not To Cry

A symbol of innocence is shattered
And it can’t be fixed
Stay and breathe me in
Observe the coward’s point of view
Selfless, I give my all to you and you take it
Then so does the next, and so on until I’m gone

The routine same as ever: ponder
Wonder why I became a ghoulish monster
[I] Ask myself how I got this way
my favorites make me hurt more
looking inside for some clue; a way out
I find none and reject myself, taking your lead

When I think about my life
It’s hard not to cry
Realizing I can help others but I can’t help myself
I fall to pieces, asking why
Wearing my mask, the tears leak out
I wonder why I try
Abused again and again, I won’t give up
But I wish I could fly away from here

once again

Once Again

As a social outcast I’m alone
Loneliness is all I’ve ever really known
Every time hope shows its warm face
I push it away and I’m cold once again
I look for a way out all the time
Hating everyone for everything
The smallest things set me off
I’m a ticking time bomb
And the countdown has begun

Once again I find myself
Trying to run away
Once again I lose myself
Fighting for change

My life is just a cruel novelty
I’m here for everyone
But no one is there for me
Abandoned by all I guess I’m worthless in the end
Only around to fix everyone else

personal armageddon

Personal Armageddon

Meteors begin to draw near
Streak through the skies of my life
And explode onto the surface of my soul
The pandemic epidemic crashes all around
Replay, slow motion, the event horizon
Worlds shake from the pain and suffering

As everything descends into chaos
This final time it can
Only for me it was chosen
Pure tidal personal Armageddon

All done by a mystery assassin
A might-be unknown assailant
Abandoned and controlled by the Neverwas
Hurt every step of the way, and in the silences
Love from others an overcrowded lie; impact
Craters askew of the norm
Shattered fragments crash into one another
And oblivion sets in
Future nonexistent, there’s nothing left

ponder

Ponder?

Hugging darkness all around
Only so long before it surrounds
The life and the will to do
Shows me the opposite of what I want it to
Thoughts of happy and thoughts of sad
Entertain the pain that I wish I didn’t have?
Only when I see what I want to see
That I will ever truly be free

What becomes of a soul when it departs?
Does it die? Does it live? Does it go to the stars?
Is there a heaven, a life eternal?
Is there a devil, damnation infernal?
Is life just a test to check what we know?
If so I know I don’t want to go to the show
Of demons, monsters, horrors, freaks
Around the corner darkness sneaks up on the weak

I still don’t know why it won’t show
Me what I want and where to go
Slithering coils of evil chase my every move
I shall release the might, only then can I prove
My secrets, nightmares; my personal anguish
Must leave me alone or it’s my dying wish
I am burning alive, inside I have died
I am one with the reaper; we are one, him and I

queen of ice

Queen of Ice

When you walked away, I lost all I had
I love you, my Ice Queen, the memory
Of you a distant dream once pined over
Ice Queen, you froze my heart irreparably
I knew it was wrong but love deceives
Your icy breath enticed me; siren’s song
Upon frosty, treacherous paths I followed you
Worshipping my queen of ice with every step

You froze my free will with fake love
Promising nothing but misty lies, oh Ice Queen
In your frozen arena I fought from pawn to knight
Yet you shattered it all anyway
Ice Queen, I long to be thawed
You left me alone in your courtyard, a frozen relic
No will or hope burns in me; melting impossible
Left forever to myself, crying; thanks Ice Queen

she

She

Last time she never came to be
She’s happening again to me
When will I learn not to fall
As the sword of Damocles draws closer
My heartbeat gets faster,
I become this sycophant of pain
I realize you are her and she is you
She’s out to get me, hurt me, tear me apart
She always finds a way to break more of my heart
I want her but she murders my soul

Lies, they can kill a man
And I’m no exception
Bearing false witness you devour
And I find myself tortured
With the realization
That she plays me like a game
Clutching my chest in agony
I try to withdraw but fail
I can’t run away because
She is only in my head anyway

stranded

Stranded

Part One: The Storm
A maelstrom has brewed, and sets upon me
The winds knock my ship like a toy
Waves crash and threaten to upturn
The rain falls all around, hits me
And I am washed away in the sins of my sorrow
I am lost again, seemingly forever alone, tossed by waves
Without anyone to hold on to, I tremble
The verge approaching with haste; then,
Floating for my life, the teardrops burst forth
The gale still roars around as well
Holding myself, I see no way out, I’m drowning
The perfect storm hits me full force, I’m blown away
Once again I am lost at sea, solitude consuming

Part Two: The Sand
After the tempest takes off, I’m still alone
Drifting for days with no hope, then; a beach
Solitary in proportions, I conquer single-handedly
I explore my new territory; emptiness reigns
A lone palm with a pool beneath it, murky with the unknowable
The beach composes the symphony of the everlast
Flowing sands of time hit by eternal waves

Part Three: The Hermit
I rule an empire of sand
No one but me dwells upon my lonely island;
Still, even I sometimes breakdown and forget my rules
Who would enforce them anyway
I live in the infinite book of sand
It surrounds me, endless, with an ocean fence
I am engulfed by it all, feeling isolated;
This is no archipelago, just a solitary island in an empty sea
The real value of insignificance is realized
I crave company but receive none; only the fish
But even among them there are sharks
Biting at what’s left of my tattered remains, my outer shell
This hermit wants to leave it all behind
And find someone, anyone…

the void

The Void

Fading away from something into nothing
From that nothing sprang forth the Void, in vile splendor
The Void growing inside, threatening to consume my soul
Sometimes unknown why the feelings appear and remain
Control maintaining harder than imagined in the first place
My own voice represented in vain, vacant; the Void voting for visions of pain
Sucking life out leechlike, parasitic infestation uncontrolled

Am I the only one black within?
Not so much black as empty
Yet filled with the Void
I vanish, to be gone

Knowing not what I do anymore, life’s a mystery
The show’s run by the Void, tickets unfound, yet not lost
Tolerated to a point, looking back to see it was never there
Is it possible? Highly improbable, the Void resides as me now
Dead is my outside, empty is my inside; yet full of despair
As the shell of the man I once was the Void, always consuming, became me
Game over, the vampiric Void drained out all hope, gone forever, vanished everlasting.

this time

This Time

Sitting in shame while the grief and pains
Take everything away, and things won’t be the same
Again I’m alone, again on my own
Again I’m alone, again on my own

But this time is my time [never again shall be yours]
I will rise this last time [I won’t run away]
And this crime is my crime [I am shutting all the doors]
There won’t be a next time [now you all will pay]

I was meant for more but I turned out less
Giving up the part I’ve played so long
My role shifting from the sweet caress
That I’ve never known, to evil visions so wrong

All of your memories
They won’t stop haunting me
And it is changing me
And I can’t go back again

to my love:

To My Love:

Like birds migrating
You go back again
To words degrading
When will it end?
My hope is fading
Heart breaking more every day
I’ll always be waiting
To take you away

He’s my curse and my bane
To him you're just a game
But you continue the pain
You think that you are to blame
But truthfully not
For a demon you're not
I love you more than the world
And just wish you were my girl

Every time we’re apart
It breaks more of my heart
I know that you are with him
While I’m still at the start
You chose him over me
I guess that’s how it shall be
But I love you more than the sky
And just wish I was your guy

torn to pieces

Torn To Pieces

You betrayed me, as all else have
Lied to myself thinking you weren’t the same
Scraps and snippets of a fragmented heart
Are shredded over and again
I can cry, but the thoughts shall remain
I thought you could save me
But you threw me back down, harder
No hope for me here, I have nothing left
I withdraw as I’m torn into pieces

I’m ripped, shredded
Torn in a million pieces
The loves lost, lingering, kill
And tear at my soul