Parable of the Big House

i have to thank Plato a bit, and give him credit. for the most part, this is like his allegory of the cave but retold and changed. there is no world of the forms, something kind of like it exists in this though. read and observe :p

There once was a gigantic house with no doors or windows, or in fact anything to lead to the conclusion there was anything beyond its walls. Inside it lived a few families. The families were happy. The fathers ruled the household, each in control of their section of the house. They would meet from time to time, and sometimes argued. The overall tone was happiness though. No one ever thought about what could lay beyond the walls, they never had time to. They were busy with everyday life they found suitable for them. The walls and everything inside them were the only thing that mattered. But there was eventually a child born that grew up in constant curiosity. The fathers, mothers, siblings, everyone discouraged the thought that the house was not the only thing. The boy believed there was something more. He became an outcast among the house. He spent all his days wandering its corridors, seeking some small fracture, some insignificant crack in its walls suggesting a second reality. Many years he searched, with no success. His family and the other families grew to treat him with indifference. He decided to try a little more unconventional means of discovering anything. Taking a long nail and hammer, he began poking small but long holes in each wall, looking to see if anything existed independently of the big house. Room after room: failure. One day, after many unfruitful days of exhaustive venturing, a hole he made revealed light on the other side. He was astonished, for he expected, well, he didn't know what to expect. He was just searching for anything else that may lie beyond. Over the next few weeks and months, he began trying to widen the hole without being noticed. This was not that hard, because most everyone left him alone. When it was big enough that he could squeeze through, he did. emerging on the other side, he was blinded by the intense glare of the sun. All of this was new to him, he had never seen or heard any of these sights or sounds. After having realized that life inside the house was a lie, that they were all living in a dream world, sheltered from any and all actuality and truth. The society that exists within the confines of the house were all false. The very nature of everything he thought he knew had to be questioned. He couldn't KNOW anything that he had 'known'. He had to learn everything anew. Even things like the concepts he grew up with, that had been ingrained into his mind after years of living in that family environment. The foundation of knowledge itself had been shaken and he knew he had to try and share this newfound reality with his family. When he told them about it, and tried to make them understand, they couldn't. He was saddened that they could not understand the truth. Even when he tried showing them, they didn't want to believe it. He knew he couldn't ever live in the house again, not now that he knew everything in it is just a false illusory misconception of the reality that lies outside. He must live it alone, as close to happy as is possible. The people inside were happy as well, living under the false pretense that they were ignorant of. They believed what they saw and heard and experienced was real. And they were happy living in that 'reality'. But the son could never return. He experienced true happiness, mixed with longing and frustration. He dearly wished his family could realize the truths he had been enlightened to. But he resolved to living in the real world.


if i wrote it properly, you should sort of take a meaning about what i am actually trying to say. or you may get an entirely different meaning altogether. to each their own.

Animal Cruelty Rhyme

Who could do such cruel and unusual things
to innocent beings, skinning them alive
what drives them to this, it's not just to survive
all the awful events I have gone through
do not compare at all to the scare they put in the air
the pain that rains into these harmless by those who reign
in hate, these soldiers of villains, murder and killing
tied down no escaping, this fate they lay down for
take it, the blade slits right through the flesh, and
cuts off the fur, they're not filthy curs, they are pets
of mine and yours, pets who die martyred for nothing
but fur coats, throats slit for warmth, burn the image into your mind
that this crime has endured for far too long, and now its time to fight
for those who can't, dogs and cats put to death by any means,
so mean, it makes my face turn green and my stomach scream
and retreat from this animosity towards animals and the key is to
refrain and return to the learning, the ways of peace and love
above all, the skinners have to fall. Fall into all the evils and hates they've
demonstrated, let's cut off their faces and skins,
erase their outside and see what lies within
finish them off and let them rot from justice and might, the right way to go
for they need to own up to and show up to the crimes they did do
the trial, no denial, we caught them, now to stop them
men and women must serve their sentence for ten thousand deaths
at least, they feasted on the mutilation and annihilation of nature's finest
the dining room from hell set to a madman's will
and he will surely get his fill of the bitterest pill
the one of liberty and right, and if the living unite
then this fight will be done, over and won
light will find its way into the blackest hearts on that day

I could take all my pain and it would
be nothing to what they feel, ladies and gentlemen, this is real
the real deal, and its high time we stop them peeling
and have them start feeling for themselves what it's like to be killed and tortured
force them to endure the fury of your hands, the hands of a man
who cares enough to stare and cry, and wonder why
and wonder when this slaughter and pogrom will terminate
and if it will germinate a good inside the coal-minded, cold-hearted
bold killers on jihad, the free have no way of comprehension,
just descension into the arms of apprehension, with law on their side
calling for no stalling in the case of falling and failing to ace the capture
of those rapturing the hides of beautiful creatures, few will feature
seat and remain and don't do it again but they will until that day when
they are cut open, their skin cut off, while they breathe, no sleep, no rest for the wicked
it's sick they can inflict those damages on innocent animals
and it needs to stop, we have to be firm and crack down,
we can't squirm when the worm gets snatched by the crowned dove with love, when the
maltreatment is shown, with cares not overgrown and little ones snared into overcoats
smack the first blow with the fist of vengeance, so low they can't fit this revenge upon us
even though it all began and stands with them, at a standstill for lack of action.
That day far off, when they are scared off, when all are alive, all survive, and
they contrive to the good of pure love. That is the day we wait for in vain, patiently.

Conformity

The succession of impersonality from the transient culture, as defined by the lack of care and public emotion. The loss of individuality for the good of the whole. Con is a prefix meaning positive. The act of positively forming = conformity. This classic illustration of mainstream deceit that conforming is a positive identity is a fraudulent claim, but conformity always wins anyway. Yet conformity plays a key role in the stitching of the fabric of society. If no one conformed at all, that is conforming to non-conformity; thus proving the paradoxical issue of nonexistent unconformity.

The uniformity of united aggression leads the world in words with lead jackets. The soldiers in the wastelands draw strength through conformity. The uniting bond? The dedication to patriotism, through use of uniforms, tactics, and the Great American Symbols. The elitist military ensures survival of the most prosperous nation to have ever existed. The uniforms, with soldiers to guide them, lead the way for humanity to continue.

Every day you say the economy is getting worse. Our president is a Texas oil man, and we invaded some oil-producing nations, yet our gas is more expensive now. You say America is no longer the greatest country in the world. And in some small way, you are right. Because of the system of bullshit that is called ‘political correctness’. Nothing good for Humanity can become real with this injustice of politics. Men fighting, doing whatever is necessary to win, that is the only way to win. So what if there is torture, killed civilians, so what? It is WAR. Not peace-time. You need to be able to have no restrictions to be able to properly fight a war. Nothing can hold you back if you want to win. America has the muscle and might, so let’s use it.

Sealing yourself off from the world is a smart move, but the motion is only as good as the agent. The world, as a whole, has a tendency for stupidity. To separate oneself from the lunacy of society is a key motion to understand some of this nonsensical whimsy. The global view is of mere litigation and nonresponse. Action is the course of the wise. The huddled masses are thus huddled due to poverty, disease, and malnutrition. The isolation of an individual soul is worth more than possibly imaginable. These aforementioned are not completely withdrawn, but are at a nearer level of solitusion than those with earthly treasures. That is why they have fulfillment, for the man who pursues happiness gains none. Happiness is thrust upon the soul as solitude and isolation set in. realization of this world mean the change of humanity.

Unconformity. That is the most crucial response in order to truly save a life. The formal declaration of separation is the beginning of the process. A saved life is one with minimal ties to traditional views of conformity. Formal repose, officially withdrawn, is the unlocking of happiness. The man with no will is the man with joy. Therefore, the man desiring is the man in constant pretense of dissatisfaction.

Vlaad Aeron [The Beginning]

Vlaad Aeron [The Beginning]

A mildewed grey had settled into the lands. A cloud of impious actions hung in the air like a beast of burden, floating like a songbird who only moans dirges. The whole region had been plagued with shadow since the supposed assassination of Lord Whitaker the Wise and his family, minus his deviant son. In adjacent kingdoms, there was still a slight sense of normalcy. The nearby castle of Greldor had been falling into disrepair over the past few decades, thanks to Vlaad Aeron the Cruel, son of the praised Lord Whitaker the Wise. A more evil man was unimaginable. As a young boy, he killed his entire family, one by one, oddly coinciding with a series of ‘accidents’. After all of them had been pulled out of the picture, he was the only one left with ‘noble’ blood. Being the only one with ‘noble’ blood left, he unquestioningly became the new Lord of Greldor. He had a vast militia at his disposal, and treated them as such. His mercenary army of barbaric knights, appropriately called the Black Horde, was almost as malicious as he. The Horde killed for almost any offense, ranging from heckling to treason. Innocent peasants were massacred daily, with their heads shoved on pikes lining the path to the gatehouse of Greldor. The path was now so hideously and wickedly dark after years of this that a torch was required to even see your own hands in front of you. Few other rulers of neighboring lands wanted anything to do with Vlaad, for he was far too evil and corrupt to be dealt with. Besides, the messengers who got sent there often never returned. Mortality rates were up, birth rates were low. Many of the Horde would rape women they came across, resulting in beastly children that would grow into even more fiendish adults. The term horde had become associated with the idea of murder, monstrosity, and even the Reaper. Peasants had it the worst, especially peasants of surrounding regions. Vlaad and his Horde had recently become expansive and began a campaign of territorial conquest. Invasions had started getting progressively more and more horrific. For an example of Vlaad’s ever-growing cruelty, the people who surrendered were covered in a sticky paste of sultry resin and ferrous oxblood and thrown into a viewable pit full of bloodthirsty exotic creatures. His most recent creatures gained were a family of starving crocodiles. He made the pit viewable, and enforced the watching of mutilations as a sort of fear tactic to teach any other able-bodied prisoner the lesson of humility and terror. These are the ways of Vlaad Aeron the Cruel.

On the other side, there was little oppression, but it existed nonetheless. The Righteous, as they called themselves, were growing ever more tired of Vlaad the tyrant and his fear-driven crusades. They had each begun the process of unification against the Lord and his minions. Gifts of piety were being exchanged to offer a sense of trust and strength between the other kingdoms. An additional motivation was to create an army strong enough to withstand the might of the Black Horde, also with the intent of destroying and disbanding what would remain of it afterward. Prophets and seers foresaw a mysterious hooded figure in black, presumably Vlaad, leading the forces of evil into a battle of epic proportions against the Righteous forces, rallied under a single standard. The only thing that remained to be determined was when the two sides would be enmeshed in the clash of the millennia.

Writing from Character’s 1's perspective

Writing from Character’s 1's perspective

Every day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. Of how things were. If I could take it back, I would. But I can’t. I have to live with the knowledge that I murdered my sanity. I shattered my dream world. And why? Because of my addiction. Many times have I tried to kick the stuff, but never has it worked. I miss her. I drink to forget what I did. Ironic isn’t it. I lost her because of my drinking; I started drinking because of my brother’s death. I am responsible for all that has happened. If only I had not run away, if only I had stayed to help fight, he might still be here, and I would still live in Utopia. But I cannot change the past. I drink to forget. I know I have said all this before. But I will never forget.

Epic Of Icarus [part one: In Dreams]

Epic Of Icarus

Part One: In Dreams
How great it must be to fly
Without worries or cares
Without doubts or fears
Spreading wings to soar in air
There, in the open, unchained breeze
Where the manacles of oppression,
The ball and chain of civil slavery, and depression
Have never even seen the light of day
Have never disgraced the clouds with acid
Fly to the sun, the source of all life
Beyond the blue, beyond the crimson knife
Escape the strife, the prison, the cell,
Escape those who persecute the pursuit of happiness
Beware the holocaust from clocks
And those who wish man to walk
Whose desire is not to fly,
Rather, but is instead to hunt those who try
Beware those who fear change
The stars are within reach, though
So never give up hope
Never let another kill your will
And always still, don’t steal a gain
Or the pain will be excruciating
Learn the limits, don’t fly too low
Or the ocean will dampen your wings
And send you to a watery grave
From whence you shall remain
And drift forever on the River Styx
Where breathing will not happen
For there is no air, and flying is banished
Learn the limits, don’t fly too high
Or the sky will send you to Inferno
Where you shall never perish, but
Will always parch for nourishment
And never receive any, only suffering,
From sulfur and brimstone, fire and hate,
More evil and corruption than mere mortal can take
You can be spared from eternal damnation
If you only learn to fly within reason
If you avoid the chains of time
If you never give up hope
Then the dream can be made real

This Is Just A Drill

This Is Just A Drill

In the event of a REAL war, the draft would be reinstated. But this is just a drill. Just something to have our soldiers practice on. Terrorism? A war on terrorism? Hasn’t even begun yet. When, or if, it does, political correctness cannot, I repeat CANNOT be a player in the battle. The war, if it wants to be a final and decisive one, will have to be waged FULL OUT. Nothing holding the armed forces back. If every country in the world ganged up on terrorism, it would sure as hell end pretty damned quick, that’s for sure. But for now, this is just a drill.

Reflective Writing [Not Shiny]

Reflective Writing [Not Shiny]

The pitch-coal, boot-black darkest color. It has been with me as a friend, a source of steadfastness. Always, when I need it, light-absence arises. The dark unknown is my reassurance. Everything casts a shadow, a black one. Darkness is within all things, it is a source of comfort to me. To others, it is a show of depression, of sad times, of rebelliousness. These are all me. That’s probably why the macabre color of death entices me so vividly. I have been swallowed by a behemoth, internally the flame is diminished. I grew with the sort of symbiotic relationship between mental ability and shade. I don’t hide in recluse, though. I LIVE in the dark, it doesn’t own me. Darkness, black as ink, is a necessary lesson to understand, for survival. To know the evil is to know the good. Coal-black, blacker than the deepest ocean, is half of a healthy mental state. It is the amount of shadow that one lets it control themselves that distinguishes individuality. The very existence of man is of a fallen nature. The balance between internal day and night is a tough mixture to get right. The majority of society would deny the prevalence of shade in their hearts. But that is why they deny. They wish it upon themselves for light to occur, for the have always been told dark is bad, and bad is evil, which is ‘morally incorrect”. Take a look around. Even the physical surroundings pronounce a quality of shadow. Black is a dominant color of modern culture. You can witness this for yourself by strolling anywhere, and observing. You will NEVER NOT see shadow.

The Most Painful Thing To Learn Thus Far

The Most Painful Thing To Learn Thus Far

The most painful thing I have learned in my life is probably the most painful lesson anyone could ever learn. It is the lesson of losing love; the lesson of abandonment. I have been associated so far much so with this concept that it is extremely hard to write about. Ever since I was born, abandonment has been a key motif in the story of my life. The people who are supposed to care about a child the most, my parents, were not around. When they were, they would always fight, always abuse each other. They hate each other. I have memories of when I was 1, far earlier than most people have. I believe this is due to the violent nature in the learning of my lesson of self-reliance. My whole childhood is filled with examples of abandonment and abuse, which Freud would say will lead me to more likely have bad relationships. This has thus far been proven true, for ALMOST every love I have leaves me, or is never actually WITH me, or decides to become promiscuous. I never understand what I do that merits such an outcome, but it happens every time. I quest for a love that is pure, a love that will not leave, a love that is permanent. I placate myself by delving into the realms of music, putting myself in a state of reclusion. My outer defense is to become something of an intellectual bully. I put forward my cleverness and reflexive commentary as a means to protect myself from getting another lesson in abandonment. Because if you haven’t already had a lesson in this particular subject, you will, and you know nothing of stoicism. The initial reaction to it is indifference, followed by a sense or mourning combined with pangs of longing. These become associated with a feeling of foreboding and self-loathing or pity. This has taught me to be more wary of the outside world, to be more distrusting. It seems unfair that I should have to have these feelings, and consider them normal. Resentment boils in my blood and I wish for divergence from this.

The Most [I'm]portant One

The most important relationship I have is with myself. It wouldn’t appear to have always been this way, but in actuality it has. I have grown intellectually from birth, and have an excellent long term memory. I am always seeking to get smarter, to learn more. During this process, I decided that learning something and knowing to myself that I know it was more valuable than learning it and having to demonstrate that I know it. Also, it is much more efficient to learn it without all sorts of tedious piles of homework and unnecessary blabber. There are two components to the union of myself, the social aspect and the cerebral portion. The analytical section is the one that dominates all else. It sets the standard for the social sector in the amalgamation of me. Influentially, the rational segment has caused me to stride away from what most people would call a sense of normalcy. My sense of typicality is derived from logical processes in my mind, resulting in the behaviors and situational confrontations I become entangled in for most of the waking hours. This almost always leads me to trouble with the authority, for I openly feel that things need to change. The system is built wrong; it was built by incompetents and know-littles. I propose a shift in the balance of power, but in suggesting such an idea on an all-encompassing basis, I would be quickly subdued by the media and masses of brainless slugs who watch their brainwashing screen nightly, as if they feed off its lies for sustenance. The shift should be giving power to people whose intellectual aspect dominates over their social, but since this particular kind of person is extremely difficult to find, it would almost instantaneously progress into an oligarchy of the philosophers, something in proportion to Plato’s ideal Republic but not nearly as arrogant and one-minded. This is possible, highly improbable, but I would gladly give up my community positions and diminish the social sector to a minimum to be incorporated into such a system.

Mystery Informant

The water smelled of rotting flesh, so much that I have to turn and gag. Putting my hand over my mouth, I look inside the death chambers again. Clues are hard to find, but it appears one of the former bloody occupants left me a message in code. A ring, placed near the drain, a small scratch pointing upward. These things confuse me at first. From the depths of my trench coat I pull out a small camera, so I can review what I have just bore witness to later. Looking higher, I see what appears to be part of the finger that ring once went on. That would explain the putrid scent and color of the water. I put the camera back in the inner pocket, and pull out my notebook as I walk to my car. Writing the address down, I put the notebook away and drive off, waiting until I figure out sense of the clues left behind.

Name Piece III [that’s what I’m calling it, go ahead and shoot me for it]

Frankly, I’m getting sick of writing about my name. if you say or write something too much, it loses meaning. And I like my name, so I have to respectfully decline this offer to abuse my moniker. So what if some Mexican girl has issues with her name? It isn’t my problem. My problem is having to demoralize and demean my name purely for the enjoyment of another. There is a difference in doing something to learn in which you sacrifice, and doing something to learn in which you totally desensitize your most personal representation; your system of acknowledgement to all of mankind. The system of corrupt society is doing this to quash and rebellious forces that arise in thought; so as to better and more entirely and thoroughly hold one captive in their own body. The body is to be treated with however much respect or care as the owner of said property wishes. There is not a natural order in such a thought process. To repeat or do things again and again loses meaning; the basis for all things manmade. Man imposes his will, in the form of categorization of everything. This central force of humanity is what keeps things moving forward. To go against is treason.

Ceremony [only for those who FULLY wish to]

Ceremony [only for those who FULLY wish to]

Note: this ceremony, if properly done, WILL result in a temporary loss of identity!!!

The ceremony to release oneself from the grips and vices of the past is a difficult one. One has to prepare for days on end. The underlying motif is isolation, the loneliness must be made real to actually be able to let go. Solitary release, a test of survival; these things are necessary to partake in this ceremony.

The one to be the focus of the ceremony is called the Old One until the end, at which time they become the New One. The Old One must pass a week without any contact in the sparsely populated Colorado Rocky Mountains. There is a grove of trees that encompass a pond. That is where the journey begins.

The Old One is left there, with nothing but the clothes on their back. This is a very dangerous ceremony, but it is necessary to be dangerous in order to make it worthwhile; in order to threaten the memories to the point of release. They must forage and shelter themselves well, for this ceremony is to be done one week before their birthday. They must survive the horrors, in silence, of the treacherous Rockies.

The pond grove full of verdant pine is only the beginning. By the end of one week, they must find their way to a rocky outcrop near a glacier with a brook running out of it, about 150 miles away. Not all who partake in this risky rocky ceremony make it. The Old One must, while traveling to the outcrop, be thinking intently of every single thing in which they wish to forget, and have the strength to forgive themselves. That is the single most important goal in this ceremony, is to be focused upon forgiveness. The most important is to forgive oneself. Few people have the capability. Retreat is not an option; there is no turning back once it had begun.

The first night is the hardest, but that is not to say the others are unchallenging. To survive is to overcome the thought processes that, undoubtedly, the Old One has slipped in to. This journey is so difficult; it has so many risks mental, physical, and emotional. The risks are to enforce the letting go and forgiveness that need to be accomplished to actually complete the ceremony.

The Overseers, or people who follow the progress of the Old One, have only to observe. They shall not interfere, even if the Old One is on the verge of death.

There is no trail from the pond to the outcrop; they must blaze their own trail. This is both a physical and metaphorical sentiment. Their mind should not be thinking of survival, at all. The key to survival is to ignore it. If they are truly following the path they choose to make, survival will occur. If, at the end of the adventure into unknown territory, both physical and mental, they have completely forgiven themselves, the Overseers will call upon the Sage to perform the Cleansing. The rocky outcrop with the glacier is where it shall be performed. The Old One must lie on the glacier. The Sage stands, cloaked, masked. He says “you shall be released” the number of times that the person’s age is. Then the Overseers must snap three times while chanting in Latin “libertas [freedom]”. Then the Old One becomes the New One. Pacta Sunt Servanda.

Behind the Giant Curtain

Behind the Giant Curtain

When the sparkles settle down, and the audience is hushed, a loud growl erupts from behind the enormous glittering curtain. Women gasp, children wail, and men try to silence them. Then a voice:

“Laaaaaaddieeeeessss aaaaaaannnd gennnntlemennnnnn, you are in for a treat tonight. A recent expedition to the tropical island of Mbok Tu, once thought to be uninhabited, found this rare specimen. Women, now is the only time to leave, for once you see it, there is no forgetting.”

A few minutes pass.

“And now, the moment you have all been waiting for…”

There it is, in all its untamed glory”

Three Rules Of Power

Many people have tried to control every aspect of my life. This has led me to disband from traditional views and thoughts of common society. I am more independent for it. I somehow came to the conclusion that independence is the first form of power. The second is manipulation by the independent of other independents and dependents. To manipulate your reality by conquering other facets of personal life, one becomes truly powerful. Knowing what is formed and present, delving into the unknown about the known searches into your own mind for answers one never knew he owned. Possession of the economic basis for global consistency is the third rule of power. To attain power, one must find within themselves the gift. Very few people have the gift. Which makes them Elite. So in a way, the ones who controlled me made me discover within myself the power to control and the laws and rules that govern that power.

Secrets

Every day, everyone arises from slumber with hidden tidbits of knowledge, secrets meant to remain concealed. To deny such means is blasphemy to your own soul. Damning as some may be, they are what makes the individual so majestically unique. Secrets have that shying way of creating personalities unbeknownst to others. To reveal such secrets is to kill a part of yourself. However, some secrets are meant to be discovered. The moral jeopardy is the decision of which secrets are, in fact, supposed to be KEPT secret. Secrets are the life-blood of corrupt global society; they are the deciding factor in disputes over claims. Hiding away the truth is an expert’s actual job. The general public wants to hear only what it wants to hear. Yet at the same time, individuals have hidden desires that they wish could come to fruition, and the undiscovered truths set forth by society prevent this from happening in most, but not all, aspects of the civilian life.

Me vs. Joe

Reality and trust exist within all Men, but Man is foolish and picks out and persecutes only the imperfections, it is His system of trust. Imperfections lead to distrust. Distrust leads to a false sense of security. Knowledge is achieved through a sense of security, be it false or real. Power is a direct derivative of knowledge, which therefore means that to hold oneself accountable for their own knowledge is foolish. The knowledge that brings power must be worked and acquired by a group in order for it to be sufficient to provide security. So in order to gain power, you must have a group willing to seize the power. The group must also have better knowledge than the current group that is in power or it will never fulfill that goal.

Reality exists without mankind. Men choose to perceive it as they will. In focusing on superficial imperfections, mankind has lost sight of the larger underlying issue of our own fallen nature. Trust is no longer existent in our age. True trust is no longer to be found with the exception of the exceptional few. True Knowledge is not mere information or data, that is knowledge. True Knowledge is ascertainable only by removing the perspective lenses of our own distrust in order to be able to truly understand and apply the data that is set before us.
Elit Druin, "Through Knowledge: Power" True Knowledge IS power. The only true question that is left to those who acquire power is, "what am I to do with my talent?"
Those that have Power should try their best to share it with those that are of the constitution to use it to make the world more secure. To believe that one is meant to strive to gain power and prestige at the expense of others ability to grow is foolish.

Humility

As a not-so-popular kid, humility is a huge lesson, and an important one at that. Hardship has sailed the waters of my life, even before it was mine to behold. All the pain, mental, and physical aching, has made me humble, but it is a lesson easily forgotten. One should be reminded constantly to be humble, by example. Humility prevents hubris. Hubris leads to the downfall of the individual in society. When one believes themselves to be a better person, the ones who disagree will make sure to recognize this and halt it; hopefully in hope it will humbly teach them humility.

I Want To Reach

I Want To Reach

I want to reach for success, to be the

Best that I can be, it seems to me

That it’s just a dream, wishful thoughts

Of crimson fire, burning the desire into

My heart, from the mire I will rise

To start a nobler life, a happy one

An existence of love, of joy, of fun

A world where no one wishes waste and war

A society in serenity, a lesson from adversity

To proclaim diversity, with aims to be free

I want to reach out and have arms

To take me in, to wake up in love, with

A girl sent from above, I’ll be a gentleman for her

Bliss is her kiss, the word lips formed that changed my world

To be the one who isn’t blamed for everything

I don’t want to be the one who lives in pain,

In hate, with a fate shamed in vain, that’s not what I want.

I want to reach for all

Things good, plant a forest that goes growing to the sky

So I can shout it, show you my love when she comes

I want to reach and not pull back empty

He Said Write A Rhyme

He Said Write A Rhyme

He said write a rhyme, to right a wrong

Black and white; it doesn’t matter

We all sing the same song, for

Better or worse, this verse is for

Diversity, the racial inequalities, or

So they want you to believe, it’s all

A game to them, to shame the same way

To everyone; mother, daughter, father, son

No one can win this, to desensitize the lies

That they want you to hear, the words to

Fear, why is it all so segregated by

Those who instigate it, set to fade it

It needs to change, we’re all the same

No one color is best, no better than all the rest

We’re all people, not beasts or machines,

With dreams and screams, it seems

We all work for the joy of life

The knife at the root of strife

To live in harmony, race out of place, to

Face what needs to be done, to win

This fight against prejudice, precious

Little time to end the crimes

The two colored world undercover, under fire

When guns and gangs settle with blood,

Making cripples of crips and bloods

The violence needs to terminate, I’m determined

To stand for litigation, stand against annihilation

Against the mutilations of black and white, the fighting

Why it continues, in venues of alleys and backseats

Not totally in complete chaos, incomplete mainframe

Insane is the name of the game they call hate

Back to black and white and the fights from being

Just for being born, born into the war torn world

The corrupt disrupt those in peace

Pieces of revulsion show through in their compulsion

Why is it so separated, so segregated, so ungregarious?

The yesterday where it wasn’t so divided

Is long gone, in hiding, replaced now

With a today filled with hate and pain

Worries and sorrow, only angst fills tomorrow

Anxious to crush the frontrunners of serenity

The winners of the rush to calm and progression

All opposed live their regression in transgression

And at the end what does it bring? A ring of lost time

Sponsored by the crimes, and

There is no time better than

The here and now, shout it out loud

To end the game, the hate, the pain

Together we can make a difference,

We can inference the goodness, interfere with the dishonest

Make them promise on it that honesty will rule the schools

Make the workplace free of instigation,

To the gangs and violence: disintegration

Extermination, extradition; halt the exaltation

Permanent tranquility with humility and quality

Quality life filled full not with detestation

The deforestation of woods of ungood

This is the goal of all to fill the gaps in the wall of all people

Make us one again, put together anew, unbroken

The view of matching ambitions over the differences

That distinguish us physically, the individuality

They are strengths, the morality complete again

Will be the end result if the cultic masses

Follow the ethics in their hearts,

Now, quick, its time to start

Let’s fix what we have wrecked before it’s too late.

Annex the potency of humanity to repair the wear and tear.

I Can Tell You All About Yourself

I Can Tell You All About Yourself

I can tell you all about yourself

But it would waste my time

Golden just a dream; black as coal

Your soul. Fantasy, that feature of you

That comes alive, from angel to demon

Vengeful for acts, undone

Regret lives next door

A living epitaph of all things good

A raging machine with gears going, going, going

You make me want to disappear

Dissolve, vanish in the fog

Deluded, your image of normality

It is not right to kill a soul

Murdering, your only business

Depriving others of joy, you destroy

Decimating those who love you

I was a blanket to keep you warm,

Then you used me too much,

Now I am just a filthy, tattered rag

And it is all your fault

You were my mortar, now I’m a martyr

A failed one at that. You held me together

Now you tear me apart at a glance

I could tell you about yourself

But I will not waste my time.

Insult Poem

Insult Poem

Your dusty words

Are filled with repetition

They are a dull-edged sword

That can’t even bruise

You seek for retribution

You value a vendetta

But you already lost before it began

Because of your lack of insight

You are just a burnt-out bulb

A fresh cut wound will become you

By the ninetail and whip I will use

By the ball and chain mace of poetry

My words will squeeze you in a vice

A vice of cold hard steel vocabulary

All because you’re secondary

I dominate this chessboard

I am the king, my words are my pieces

You are just a lowly pawn

With no one and no words

To say how you wish for a win

As much as it hurts you to hear

You lost, face it, you can’t beat me

I’m a master of the art of succeeding

Poem for Jordan

Poem for Jordan

With a laugh I couldn’t resist
You drew me close to you
When you smiled it made me smile too
You drew me close to you

Down a long blissful path of love,
I followed you.
The destination wasn’t even important
As long as I walked beside you

Yes, there were hills and rocks and caves
That got in our way
And forks in our paths
Where we got separated
But only for the blink of an eye

Slowly, though the times would grow longer
And more frequent in between
Each time I would miss you more

On this went until a final branch
Where our paths disentangled...forever
The treetops closed and light went dark
I couldn’t go on, I sat down to cry
And a river of tears became a lake
What had I done to deserve this?

On that question remained
Until I figured out the truth
It was then the teardrops stopped
It was you, not I, who blew the deal

You, with your cherry grin of lies
You, with your non-existent surprise,
No, you see, I was always right
YOU are the one who will be missing out on ME tonight.

One Way Pilgrimage

One Way Pilgrimage

Walks through the swamps
In the end of his days
The crimes witnessed too much to bear
Carries a burden on his shoulders
Slips in the leeching marsh, thrice
But too early, his curse unfulfilled
Wandering in wonder, the search:
A solitary burial by his own hands
Ostracized to point of no return
Grey skies cry in understanding
Winds blowing the dirges harmonized
A fell tree marks the spot
Essence of life to be locked away
Now, as he sinks under the weight
An open berth for death
A place to rest without fear
A place for him to end his life

Piece by Piece

Piece by Piece

Forever parasitic seduction to awful
Realms of putrefaction, horrifying pasts
Disturbing, the workings of my mind, disgusted
Declaration holocaust upon these thoughts
Cover them when they won’t leave me alone
The pain lives on, for memories: eternal
The ache, not gone, irreverent memorial
Icy grip, cloister me in falsely; Death
Lidless eyes: ever-watching, all-seeing
Manic hands reach for escape
Claw for the space, the room to breathe
Gasp my last breath when it doesn’t come
Piece by piece I fall apart
On it goes until nothing remains

Words of Waste, part I

Words of Waste, part I

I’ll close my eyes but the tears still fall
Speechless, as if lumps in my throat
Curse this cold familiarity
The raven calls from his shady patch
Cackling at what he sees from the trees:
A lonely boy crying himself to sleep
A lonely boy writing words of waste

There for me

There for me

It was a lie that
You’d be there for me
Now I’m half alive
You weren’t there for me

Next time I’ll stop and think
Before I break in half
Wishing there’d be someone
To make it all better

I can’t be angry
Because it’s not worth it
But I’ll feel it anyway
Guilty on my conscience

Impudent

Impudent

How is it that in an empty hall
Two people can pass without acknowledgement
Impudent, the lot; uncaring, without thought

The world we once knew, we outgrew
As if all hope flew out the window
So few remain who know the truth

Nothing to show what’s worthwhile
While people sell themselves, sell themselves short
Nightlife is their only opinionated poll

Unwritten; Written

Unwritten; Written

All these words die in my mind
Give them up, decide they’re not right
My mind is Cane; thoughts: Abel
Able and willing to sacrifice tears
How to decide what’s right to write
See I’ve already done it here
Throwing out ideas; then pursue
So hard to write about not-writing

Emerald Eyes

Emerald Eyes

Your kiss lingers on my lips, sweetly
The scent of you better than jasmine and roses
More beautiful than a valley of flowers
Inspiring radiant thoughts
How easy it is to fall for you
The passion embrace; wishing
Wishing that time would stand still
So I could keep you in my arms forever
There, the evils of the world can’t touch you
In my arms, you are safe with me
Your emerald eyes match your name
And both are beauty, without flaw
Your flaming hair blows gently in the wind
Landing upon your magnificently smooth shoulders
To the pieces of peace around your neck.

She, Part II

She, Part II

I change for her, she not for me
I make what is good for her
Total disregard, everything for her
When will she feel the same?
Virtue of love, born in my mind
My heart and soul abide as well
If she would only try, it’s all I ask
Please fix me as I have you
She is a dream, just smoke and mirrors
If she were real, she’d help,
If she were real, she’d love…

Can It Be

Can It Be

Love is a double edged sword of Damocles
I wish for it but only from her
But is she real? She is to me
Coming to visit me in dreams
I want to be with her, forever
Sleeping is the only time she appears
Daydreaming I am happy, I get to be with her
When I’m not I feel it all
I never want to feel anything again but her
Is it wrong to want to never wake up
No one else knows you like I
And I want to be your all
Yet she doesn’t show; only rarely
But even with only then, I just can’t stop
Wondering… is she more than a dream? A vision perhaps?
I can only dream it to be, only dream it to be

Change

Change

New winds are blowing
As fortune waves goodbye
The time for change is thrust upon us
The parting time is high
Leaves once green, now red and gold
Seasons pass as time grows old
Love appears, it may fade away
The events of past ought naught rule today
Sunrise gleams golden on the morn of tomorrow
Decisions to choose; which path to follow
One thing is certain, it’s always the same:
Life isn’t life without any change

Walls, part 1

Walls, part 1

Resolved to living in solitude
Consoled by the hapless attitude
Thrown against walls I can’t tear down
These walls confine all I am
But in them I can hide from the world
I can escape while still in hell
So technically I’m never free
Living a lonely life, loving those who don’t
Left to be adrift for all of eternity

Parasite

Parasite

Suck all my willpower out
Drain me of my freedom
Abuse me for all I own
Linger so close yet so far away
Burn you out? Impossible.
Love, my life-blood, leeching away
My obsession turns to depression
Everything I have, taken away
Slowly, though, that’s the key,
The key to ultimate torture is sloth.

Why, part 1

Why, part 1

Take away all your pain,
Throw it in the corner
Unknowingly I find myself there
It all piles on me, higher and higher
Why must I drown in your tears
Worked to the point of exhaustion
I try for the surface, but sink deeper
I can’t scrub out the memories
Or wash away my personality
My hands, why? I cry again
Wishing there was reasons
Of why I became this monster
Creatures that dwell in darkness, my soul
Why be entertained by this
Carousel of nightmarish horrors
Phantasmagoric grip holding, crushing
Just like I am used to
I ask myself why, and why again
But no one answers
Symphonies of silence fill up
Infinite halls of misery
Listening to nothing
One last time.
Wallowing; and this sinking feeling
Grows inside, pain spreads
Hollowness eating me alive
I am a gourd of sorrow
Fill me up, pour me out
Why me, oh why me
Crying cold and alone, I crumble
Why, why me, what did I do
Will I live like this forever till I die?
I take one step forward, thirteen back
Unlucky, my middle name
As the noose tightens around my throat
I ask myself why, and why again
It festers within me, eating the core of my soul
It is always darkest before the light
It’s just a scratch, or is it
The million dollar question, should I stay or should I go?

Trapped in my head

Trapped in my head

Constant prison of my mind
Locked away from reality
Distorted glimpses of the outside
[To] the darkest corner I run and hide
Wait for black to envelop me
It’s so lonely here, it’s so lonely

Built for the one who dwells
In solitude; haunting memories
I’m trapped with no way out
I’m locked away; forever always

Three

Three

How can three words do so much, mean the change?
Unrelenting painful existence, a warhead
Three words can consume even the greatest man
To the meek it is a toxic cloud
With fallout remaining to get all the rest
Ash and brimstone, the floes of Death himself
Rubble and debris, the anthem of lacklustered survivors
All from the three words, an unholy trinity
Three pillars of henceforth destruction, uttered by demons
A triple entente, the spearhead forged in fires; cruel
The jowls of three raise the hackles of the few
Upon entering, descend into the bowels, three surrounds
Trivestiges claw: tooth and nail; what’s none of three?
It is the three-fingered granite fist that kills
Their roots hidden, vague, withdrawn from the mire
Another three can set them free; perilous few
Only time shall tell, more than a couple: three

Them

Them

Grasping ahold of me
They surround all sides
My weakness is preyed upon
Again and again I fall
Becoming a routine now
Bits and fragments of my pain
Show through in my words
Never good enough, not I
Do I deserve the desertions?
Am I reflect the rejections?
Should I wallow within
Or will I try fighting to win?

The Shiny

The Shiny

So appealing, shiny is the way to go
Why do I resist your temptations
You call my name out loud again and again
You almost succeed a few times
Luring me in with falsities and lies
Crying, you look so good, take me
Take me away from the realities, releasing memories
Cutting deeper with every stroke, you feed
The flesh removed, fully exposed
Dripping away, the tears, the blood, pool together
Freeing me from this aberration that is my life
Escape not just a thought or feeling; a truth
Depart this world forever...

The Eagle

The Eagle

From the start I flew
Gaining momentum
Challenges appearing, I conquer
Threatened by internal conflict
I do not back down
Flocks of blackbirds
Swarm overhead, so I
Fly upward and intimidate
My ingeniousity guarantees my
Security of survival. Out of
Nowhere, a stray falcon hits me
Full gale, with my own feathers
Now my quest is to
Remain the best, so I
Assert my authority and
Taunt the blackbirds
Indiscriminately discriminating
And sink with the weight
But one day I will fly to the top again.

Tears aren’t there

Tears aren’t there

Are you my messiah
Please say yes, I’ve waited so long
I am growing impatient for a savior
You are never the one, never
I feel only the shell of the emotions anymore, it stores up
I can’t cry, the tears aren’t there
No matter how hard I try
Hypocriticizing myself and the others around
Just for your own gains
Just to put me to rest.

Stepping Stone [Stepped On]

Stepping Stone [Stepped On]

Bleed me out, I never belonged
Burn the memories, burn the evidence
That you ever knew me at all
Just another stone to step on
Cracked and walked all over
Broken in every way.

The silence kills me, I cant just be alone
Because loneliness brings out a different side of me
The blue skies taunt me with their false hopes
Rain rain come today
Come forever and a day

If I make mountains out of molehills
Then I’ve raised the Himalayas
Every time I think, it comes true
Nightmares threaten to consume
My ghastly existence hides nothing.

Someone New

Someone New

Out of the old, disparaging mire
Came someone new
Will she be any different?
I’ll never know until she isn’t
How can I expose myself again?
To be killed emotionally again
Or will she be different?
I can only hope, wait, and see
What will I do if she is the same?
I can’t even take the loneliness as it was
To be put there again….oh…please….don’t
Say anything, make me better, make it right
Or I don’t know what I’ll do
Angels turn into vampires when left alone
But also when they’re together…paradoxical.

Small Change Or None At All

Small Change Or None At All

Life: the game I’m losing
Hate: the thoughts I’m choosing
Pain enough for everyone
Lingers in me, I alone
What did I do
To deserve these
Incessant burdens, which

Family: the biggest lie that
Suicide: the path I’m headed
Metal my only savior
Until I met you, then
I changed, I feel it
You give me
The love I need

Side Note

Side Note

It’s all I am, or at least
It’s all I feel like
Oh sure, there are times I feel like big news
But those are the times I’m away
Engrossing myself in lands fantasy
Renew my real world nightmare
Make it a dream that
I can live in

Shower

Shower

I feel it, the time
Of pains, long lost and brand new
Every second of the century
Crying without release
I wish for something, anything
To escape from my torment
Forever unrelenting, the anguish
Trying to wash away my thoughts
Scouring my flesh, near clean
But I cannot rinse the memories
I cannot free myself, be released
Slipping on the proverbial slide
Farther and farther, I sink
Down the drain, nightmarish journey
The pain is past skin deep
Soap has no effect, dulls the senses
I don’t want to drown but I want out

Reaper Cometh

Reaper Cometh


O, the Reaper shall cometh this dark night
Taking away until first light
The dawn races to save what it can
Though darkness may prevail
The Gatekeeper’s sleigh rides on this dark night
While the murderous slay innocent life
The Righteous join forces to defend and protect
Though in the end who will fail?
Hell visits Earth at the witching hour
Striking fear, using fierce demonic power
Dead and undead unite this dark night
Though hidden under a veil
Good versus Evil, Dark against Light
Who will emerge victorious at the end of the fight?

O, the Reaper is cometh this dark night
Slashing away with the blade of his scythe
The Righteous strike with honor, valor, and love
Though innocence neither can feign
The evil black tactics: lie, cheat, and deceive
Thieves among men have earned what they receive
This pogrom is unlike all before
Though each side is feeling the pain
Fortresses reduced to rubble and ashes
Skulls and Bones slash leaving dark cursed gashes
The nightmares come alive this dark night
Though the night is beginning to wane
Who is to say who is evil or right?
Only one thing matters; winning the fight

O, the Reaper hath cometh this dark night
Desecrated wastelands all that remain in sight
The waged war saw many a’ spent soul
Though neither can say they have won
Nor Reaper nor Righteous stood down in the fray
Hubristic motives unattained; heresy reigns this dark day
Polar coalition a nonvexillary and forsaken path
Though the war is completely and utterly done
Scattered bodies as far as eyes can see
Decrepit remains, crumbled strongholds, and charred forestry
A now barren, lifeless void from whence it all began
Though a ray of hope shines from the sun
Reaper and Righteous depart this dark night
Neither hath won, both lost this fight

Ode to Toilet

Ode to Toilet


You complete me.
When I
Want to
Let
It all out,
I find
Solace in your
Comfort
Porcelain beauty, my
Friendly commode.
Sitting on
A
Throne
I am
Taken to
Another world
Elevated to
A new
Status
Yet your purpose
Is not so clean
Filthy miscreants abuse
You
Know better
I can
Go
To you
In times
Of need
You make me
Feel better
When
I’m sick
I don’t hold back
I can throw
It all
At you
And you
Sit there
Just
Taking the
Maltreatment
The punishment a
Daily routine
Your poor cousins
That suffer in
Public settings
Humanity brought this upon Themselves
Separation from them
Lonely I write to you
Upon
you
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry for the grief.

Ode to Flagpole

Ode to Flagpole


I am:
The Staff of Freedom
Holding up our
Fallen compatriots
Soldiers giving
Their lives for
My
Precious cargo
The cannonade soars past
Me
Making waves on
My seas of cloth
The evils of each
Appropriate to
The other
Each fighting the war
For individuality
Millions being
Slaughtered
Under me
I:
Proudly wave
For troops defeated
Battles to tell about
Happening
Today, here
And now
Under me
Why does my
Payload
Have to be
The first
To go?
Picked out from
The army
Of others
I burn
Enemy fire threatens to
Knock me over
Ricochet the chain reaction
Of defeat
Sound the bugle;
I’m hit, we lost
Retreat, help me
The lost linger
In death’s grip
Fallen comrades,
Friends of
A
Different time
I hold up their
Memories, stitched into
My payload, live on
Through remembrance
And adoring the
Admiration of my
Ability to ascend
The atrocities of
Attrition to
A new level
I live on in spirit
One day,
I will stand proud
And support again
The symbol of a nation
Upon my breast
The upheaval
Around me
Causing turmoil
Once more a
New battle
I stand sentry for
A generation
Of cynics
Watching, witnessing
Revolutions abounding
Around me
Yet throughout
It all;
I stand, humbly
Embracing the truth
Embodied, entwined
In my friend’s
Intricate stitches
Fifty stars of gold,
Cry freedom to the world
Thirteen stripes of
Red and white
Show the world of our
Fight through the night
A lesson I help demonstrate
By holding ground,
Unwavering, tall and still as
A giant sequoia
Silently, in solitude
I display my most worthy
Memories on the end of a pole
I am: unchanging.

Ode to Cheese

Ode to Cheese


Fair Cheddar, my
Heart lies with you
Or does
It belong to smoky
Signora Gouda?
My American ways
Call for a
Swiss invasion
Holeyer than thou
Mr. Jack
I cannot lie
Your varieties entice
And Pepper me
With your love
But Cousin Provolone
Has
Flown in from
A faraway land
Where he is
Famous
Old man Limburger
A biting,
Nasty fellow
You come in
Many moods
Sadness known
To you,
Rhapsody in Bleu
Bring me more Brie
By the bucketful,
I belong
Don’t forget crazy
Uncle Steinbuscher and
Aunt Weisslacker
German counterparts residing
In my pit
At the point
Of no return
Fed up with Feta
Look!
In the sky!
It’s a bird! No!
It’s a plane! No!
It’s…
Muenster Mozzarella Man!
Packed away is
Ricky Ricotta
In his noodle
Outfit
Like his twin’s
Tortellini suitcase
Don’t forget our brothers
To the south:
Oaxaca, Quesillo, and
Asadero
I think I shall
Build a cheese Cottage of
Brick and Cream cheese mortar
To live in until I grow
As ripe as an
Old Farmer cheese.

Not Erased

Not Erased

I wish I could delete the memories
Just like the messages
But the hurt will remain
No doubt it will return.
Staring for hours at your words
Realizing they’re lies, I whimper and cry
Composing all these notes of sadness
Drives me to the edge of madness

No One

No One

Will I grow old alone
With no one around
A hermit living with myself, bad company
A recluse who crawls away from no one
The 80 year old virgin and bachelor
Is this me, can I change it
Am I writing my own future
Self-sacrifice leading to inevitable outcomes
Lonely but free or loved and losing
My generosity manipulated for others by others
Will I be singled out for eternity
I conduct this orchestra of abandonment
Playing the symphony of perpetual doubt
Encoring for no one, emptiness abounding
Destined to be alone, no sign of others
A desolate lifestyle with no one, but it’s mine

La Luna

La Luna

Hearing the phrase
Or seeing its phases
Sear the recollections of all else
The day hides all your pain
But under cover of darkness,
Another side is revealed, to you alone
So, really, what’s the point?
To every light there’s a dark
Not always a calm before the storm
A tortured and impacted witness
Scarred with the age of years
Scaring, bring forth tears and fears
Look to you for guidance, but
You aren’t always there.
When you are gone, all is lost.
When you are fully awake, all is lost.
Only the space in between is normalcy.

I’m the Puppet

I’m the Puppet

Pull my strings harder, make me dance
Happy on the outside
Forgotten on the outside
The plays I perform cast doubt
The character is drawn about
Pulled by the ropes, tighter; tossed around
The tempest of the stage
Controlling my every move
In this theater I don’t act
Others do for me, or they would
If there were anyone else
Who’s my puppeteer?...

For all the ones who went through hell, part 1

For all the ones who went through hell, part 1

For all the ones who went through hell
To find out that was only the beginning
Serving the meals of a madman
The depths left untouched, only surface scars
From bombs dropped and cities lost
To the shootout for the elusive mystery assassin
Rocky outcrops won’t stop the eagle from reaching the top
From its wings come forth salvos of death rain
To all who fly the other way

Finally

Finally

Why do I cry now; I’m happy
With you I’m finally free [unforgotten]
Needed and wanted [a first]
Thank you for saving me

I finally feel the love I’ve never had
You are my dream girl, I’ll give my
Heart, body, mind, and soul to you
I don’t know what to do if you don’t
I want to be with you forever
The only man you’ll ever need

Fallen Comrades

Fallen Comrades


We gather in remembrance of they who died
Passing on those views, internal struggles
Cut down by the seas of bullets, wave by wave
Ebb and flow like the sands of time
Unrelenting, the deafening roar of guns and clocks
Ticking away all their lives, ending with a grand finale
They want to come home… but not like this, heavy losses incurred
One day everyone will go home and be laid to rest
Or lay forever on the scarred pitch of hates
Staring at the unreachable skies… forgotten they remain

Echoes, part 1

Echoes, part 1

Everything becoming familiar
Recurring to be, again, again…
Echoes of a former life haunt my new one
I can’t be without, it’s my curse
I live perpetual doubt, it’s my curse
Always filling the gaps in my own sanity
With another she, every time.
I have to trust in difference.
The echoes of so long ago, when
All was right, it doesn’t feel the same now
Oddly I feel the echoes of depression
For some unexplained reason
Shouldn’t I be happy? Or is it illusory?
She seems great, she seems right
Is it all a dream? It should be good
But all I feel is emptiness
Is it the echoes returning again?
I have it all, or at least enough.
Or is there something missing?

buried alive

BURIED ALIVE

Do you ever have that feeling of numbness?
And cold dripping and flowing along your entire spine?
And feel lower than shit… again?
You know I get that all the time
The numbness is like a void, and I feel it’s empty
It starts in my soul and then it grows and grows and grows
And then I feel like I'm being drained within
And then your heart and lungs sometimes panic
And cause panic attacks that no one can see or tell are happening
I don’t know what, I feel it right now.... maybe it’s because it’s all I've ever known
I felt like stress and hopelessness were converging,
Trying and caring, I'm done with
I know the feeling
I am hanging on by a thread
I'm the broken thing on the ground
No one can fix it
People kick and laugh at it
And taunt the nothing that exists
I am a novelty, a plaything, to be taken advantage of
Kick you while your down is not quite enough
I get more even as you beg for less
Writhing and coiling on the ground I wait for someone to dig my grave
But no one shows up, I am my own crypt keeper
Bury myself alive, if that’s what I think it’s called

big lie

Big Lie

I did something horrible today
Just for personal gains I lie
Losing a chance over forgotten recollections
Hurt for consolation; alone again; I lie
The big lie to break it off, my second
False promises unknowing at the time
Lying to escape, so different from before
New pasts revealed to me, I wish not to know
Nightmares smashed become broken dreams
The big lie told for abandonment, unchanging

6 or 7

6 or 7

Don’t tell me that I’ve
Worked this hard
Just for you to judge me
You want more than I offer
But I can’t go back, too late
Are you so shallow to hurt me
With this of all things?!
The thing that hurts me most
To lead me on, then drop and break me
I always go too far, why
Why did I not stop while ahead
Now you know me and I’m through and done

Martyrdom Before Chaosity

Martyrdom Before Chaosity

24 hours ago he was in heaven
24 hours after he’s in hell
What happened?!

Reality takes its course, cold as ice
Mourning bells toll their lament
Struck down by waves of torment
Martyred by the love nonexistent
Silence, since dawn immemorial
Silence echoes in his empty soul

Seeking solace from his solitude
He who loveth an angel shall fall
Such a dire predicament is his
So he turns to self-loathing
Hating himself to love others
Society loving to hate him
Until raptures flame out around him

The fires scathing those not he
Skies bruised black and blue; chaos
Pitched into an anarchaic state; worlds lost, dreams nightmared
Terror and demons walk and stalk survivors

An angel, alone, cries to herself amidst the devastation
The mortal martyr sees; rushes to save her
Murders of the flesh and mind happen all around
Raping the righteous of body and soul
Horrors see the noble cause of the hermit
Attempting to halt and remove both angel and man

Locked in the epic struggle for love or death
The lonely soul, feeling useless, gives it his all one last time
Fighting unarmed but the love on his side; a madman
Dancing with the devil for the angel to live, regardless
Satan intimidated by the lost one’s vengeance dealt, blow by blow
Crimson thoughts aflame with hope extinguished
But the blackest thoughts die then as well

At the end all is gone. An angel remains weeping.
Corpses litter the once picturesque landscape, fires burn
The sky starts to clear, the angel takes one last look
Remembering the man martyred to save her
Interring his body and entering his soul, sees his love
Undying, it now lives on in her breast, eternal.
Flying into the widening blue, happier an angel never was.

an angel

An Angel

An angel floated down from heaven
And I knew I loved her then
A demon she once loved, but
Then he broke her heart, and
She came to me crying
I held her in my arms
I wiped away her tears
And I knew I loved her then
And I know I always will

She is an angel, I have fallen for I realize
As I gaze into her beautiful eyes, I see into paradise
Cradling her glorious body in my arms, I have pure bliss
And this moment is kept forever, sealed with a kiss

another failure

Another Failure

I went in knowing I lost
But I fought anyway
A pitched match, loaded against me
Why do I always set myself up to fail
And get hurt the whole time
I wear my broken heart on my cold, chipped shoulder
Depressed and hypocritical with my next
Emotional abuser, for my own motives
To help both of us, but it’s not working
I failed again, utterly alone, by lies
A race against love, one I always lose
Crying over my failures
Past, present, and future
Inverted and upset, this routine? False.
The guilt feasts on what’s left of my soul
Once again, I complete this failure

autumn hours

Autumn Hours

My life has been filled with hardships
But I hold no grudge
I willingly oblige, the whip cracks again
Snaps my back, leaving scars
I’m holding on by thin strips of overworked flesh
Your stranglehold becomes tighter everyday
Chains of your lacking love weigh me down
Pull me closer to the brink of death

Tighten the noose around my neck
My will from yours, it cowers
Pull me under, mister reaper
These are my autumn hours

Beautificality/ Die Once More

Beautificality/ Die Once More

Stricken with grief
The pain runs deep
Long time coming, you’re here now
So close but so far away
Comfort me? Maybe one day
Beautificality lingering beside
Innocence lost, stolen by another
Just once can it be me?
Feigning malignancies
Another day goes by the same
Waiting for a chance, watching
Clocks tick my time away
I stand resurrected to pain
Beheaded of happiness
I walk away….again

Every time I cry I die once more
All of it brought back to kill me
Every day I try I die once more
Infinite cycle of imminent wastation
Every time I cry I die once more
Your Beautificality, untouchable forever
Every day I try I die once more
Set me free with your love

decision

Decision

What do you want me to say?
What do you want me to do?
I have no idea what my life has become
This debauchery of pain and mortal desire? Is this it?
Love is my savior, and it is lost among
The nothingness I feel and the void that’s left me for dead
That’s the dilemma, isn’t it?
I’ll be damned if I do, damned if I don’t
There is no right answer to that question
And the answer I want is the answer I fear
It will eat me like a vortex, hungry
Until I cease to be
The jeopardy of choosing and crushing or leaving and losing
This is a moral peril, I need to decide…

déjà vu

Déjà vu

I’ve been down this road before
The pain, the tears; suffrage
I’ve sunk so low in the past
Dissatisfaction flowing fast
I’ve known what it’s like to be hurt
Your voice roping me back in
I’ve fallen to be crushed
Stricken with déjà vu

I’ve lived this life of misery
It seems the only thing I know
I’ve grown distant from everyone
Hardened by myself
I’ve seen the wounds love can inflict
Experienced firsthand, by me
I’ve slipped right back into my ways
Stricken with déjà vu

I’ve marveled at the spectacles
Haunting poltergeists of memories
I’ve freed myself of regret
Dawning on me, revelations scream
I’ve counted my withering hopes
Once again, lined with acid
I’ve crumbled away into nothing
Stricken with déjà vu

dominion

Dominion

I do whatever it takes
To come out on top
Anything, anything to win
Everything a cold calculation
Of usefulness and necessity
Ruthless in determination
Conquering to control
Mastery of a dominion
Somehow I fail, even with
All my intellect, vastly superior
And I still can’t win
Resultant products are that
I hate love and I love hate
The smallest things make me
think I’m happy or set me off
I am the callous of the Earth
To be rubbed off one day soon
…the minion of a dominion of pain

drowning

Drowning

My image of love just a wishful dream
Happiness is something I’m without until you
Can you help me, can you help me?
I’m sinking deeper everyday into
This ocean of sadness that’s swallowing me
I need you, even if it’s all
Just for me to stay afloat
Please don’t leave me, you are my compass
Guide me out of here, I’m beginning to drown
My lifeboat and hope all are you
Can you take me far far away?
I’ll go anywhere with you once I am
Gone from the seas of sorrows

I am drowning, sinking quickly
To the depths of despair
Can you hold me?
Can you save me?
Can you be my air?
Can you… love me?...

every

Every

Go on, take your place
With all the others
Pick on me, I don’t fight back
I lie about it anyway
I fall into self-loathing and
Am filled with rage
It courses through my veins
Everyone I ever love gets
Everything they ever want and more
But they just bite the hand that feeds until it bleeds
I hate love but it’s all I want
Punching mental holes in everyone and everything
I can’t live like this, it’s gotta be me or them
Every little thing sets me off like a bomb
I’m ticking the last times away until I explode
Every second counts down until the day that
I can’t control it all

Set it off and set me free
Go on, start some fucking shit with me
I’ll beat you down, and then some more
I’ll send you running to knock on Death’s door
So get the fuck outta my way

fall away

Fall Away

Sitting here, blinking, thinking
One last time I will
Every time I fall it hurts more
And I don’t want to fall again
Make this my last words
I want the pain to be gone
I feel only hurt, day and night
Only one way to remove it
Dig it out, cut it away
I’m sick of hating life
I want to end it, right here and now
I never care about anything anyway
Just maintaining my fake image
Taking a breath, I try to find myself
And failing, blame it on him, the Neverwas
No, blame it on me, I don’t care
I just want to go

Falling, the breeze chills
My broken heart and frozen bones
My mind snaps with the rest
No turning back now…

hey there

Hey There

Hey there beautiful
Standing there in front of me
Hey there beautiful
Your pretty face is all I see
Hey there beautiful
I think of you do you think of me
Hey there beautiful
I love you more than love can be

Hey there wonderful
My mind and soul long for you
Hey there wonderful
Without you what would I do
Hey there wonderful
Everything reminds me of you
Hey there wonderful
I love you more than the sky is blue

Hey there lovable
Cry on my shoulder and go to sleep
Hey there lovable
You are all that I want to keep
Hey there lovable
I think of you before I go to sleep
Hey there lovable
I love you more than the ocean is deep

I Wait For You [Part 1]

I Wait For You [Part 1]

I can’t help you
But I try anyway
I always will
Your hurts hurt me too
I spend everything on you
My cash, love, and time
Don’t forget the thoughts
I can’t because you are
All I ever think about anyway

I wait for you to be mine
One last chance before I’m gone
Please don’t make me fall down again
I’m sick of love not being returned

I fall too hard too fast
And it always hurts me more
I overdose on you, you fill me
But the high is broken quickly
And I sink back down again
Watching everything fall apart around me

Why do I always wonder why
My past is what ruins my future
I fuck everything up every time
So why do I even fucking try

imitation love

Imitation Love

Screaming my heart out
My lungs collapse;
Burdens against my chest.
I can’t do anything right
I come home to a place that isn’t
Moving from the halls of one hell
To the rooms of another
I blast the metal to drown my sorrows
I cry when no one watches
Which happens a lot; loneliness infects me
I bury myself in worlds dreamed
Listening and writing, I fade away
Only to be jerked back in again
By the cold grip of imitation love
Is this all I can have?

losing it

Losing It

This shortness of breath, it’s not my first
Pain wells in my chest, my heartbeat races
I don’t know if I can bite back the tears this time

One too many times is not quite right
It’s more than every day’s infinite struggle
It’s the silencing of the voices inside
That causes me to tremble and shake, I feel it coming on
Another panic attack, a wave of depression
Anxiety eating my heart out and
The pain devouring what’s left of it

I’m losing it, make it all stop and go away
I cant stop thinking about my steady stream of failures
Every time I see you I think and hope
But you crash it all on my head, pain rains down all around
You reign in my heart yet you don’t want to
You just throw it all away and me with it
All I want is love, will I never find anyone for me?...

loving to hate you

Loving To Hate You

They say it’s better to have loved than lost; society’s great lie
I lost my love to another; I don’t think I’ll get it back
My heart shattered in millions of pieces; fragments of a dying soul
Hell is my life without you; being with you is worse
Ignored, abandoned, mistreated; blackening my will
I hate you with a broken love born of passion
Forgotten and hollow, my wishes unfulfilled

no place for you here

No Place For You Here

Look at you: washed up, burned out
There's no place for you here
Your tears keep falling
But no one’s watching
Your heart’s been shattered
Broken by your haunting past
It festers within me,
Eating away at the core of my soul
Is it always darkest before the light?
Or does it remain eternally black?
You are two people
You are two people
One: result of bygone tragedy
Two: masquerading your normality
You are two people
You are two people
…And you are me

not to cry

Not To Cry

A symbol of innocence is shattered
And it can’t be fixed
Stay and breathe me in
Observe the coward’s point of view
Selfless, I give my all to you and you take it
Then so does the next, and so on until I’m gone

The routine same as ever: ponder
Wonder why I became a ghoulish monster
[I] Ask myself how I got this way
my favorites make me hurt more
looking inside for some clue; a way out
I find none and reject myself, taking your lead

When I think about my life
It’s hard not to cry
Realizing I can help others but I can’t help myself
I fall to pieces, asking why
Wearing my mask, the tears leak out
I wonder why I try
Abused again and again, I won’t give up
But I wish I could fly away from here

once again

Once Again

As a social outcast I’m alone
Loneliness is all I’ve ever really known
Every time hope shows its warm face
I push it away and I’m cold once again
I look for a way out all the time
Hating everyone for everything
The smallest things set me off
I’m a ticking time bomb
And the countdown has begun

Once again I find myself
Trying to run away
Once again I lose myself
Fighting for change

My life is just a cruel novelty
I’m here for everyone
But no one is there for me
Abandoned by all I guess I’m worthless in the end
Only around to fix everyone else

personal armageddon

Personal Armageddon

Meteors begin to draw near
Streak through the skies of my life
And explode onto the surface of my soul
The pandemic epidemic crashes all around
Replay, slow motion, the event horizon
Worlds shake from the pain and suffering

As everything descends into chaos
This final time it can
Only for me it was chosen
Pure tidal personal Armageddon

All done by a mystery assassin
A might-be unknown assailant
Abandoned and controlled by the Neverwas
Hurt every step of the way, and in the silences
Love from others an overcrowded lie; impact
Craters askew of the norm
Shattered fragments crash into one another
And oblivion sets in
Future nonexistent, there’s nothing left

ponder

Ponder?

Hugging darkness all around
Only so long before it surrounds
The life and the will to do
Shows me the opposite of what I want it to
Thoughts of happy and thoughts of sad
Entertain the pain that I wish I didn’t have?
Only when I see what I want to see
That I will ever truly be free

What becomes of a soul when it departs?
Does it die? Does it live? Does it go to the stars?
Is there a heaven, a life eternal?
Is there a devil, damnation infernal?
Is life just a test to check what we know?
If so I know I don’t want to go to the show
Of demons, monsters, horrors, freaks
Around the corner darkness sneaks up on the weak

I still don’t know why it won’t show
Me what I want and where to go
Slithering coils of evil chase my every move
I shall release the might, only then can I prove
My secrets, nightmares; my personal anguish
Must leave me alone or it’s my dying wish
I am burning alive, inside I have died
I am one with the reaper; we are one, him and I

queen of ice

Queen of Ice

When you walked away, I lost all I had
I love you, my Ice Queen, the memory
Of you a distant dream once pined over
Ice Queen, you froze my heart irreparably
I knew it was wrong but love deceives
Your icy breath enticed me; siren’s song
Upon frosty, treacherous paths I followed you
Worshipping my queen of ice with every step

You froze my free will with fake love
Promising nothing but misty lies, oh Ice Queen
In your frozen arena I fought from pawn to knight
Yet you shattered it all anyway
Ice Queen, I long to be thawed
You left me alone in your courtyard, a frozen relic
No will or hope burns in me; melting impossible
Left forever to myself, crying; thanks Ice Queen

she

She

Last time she never came to be
She’s happening again to me
When will I learn not to fall
As the sword of Damocles draws closer
My heartbeat gets faster,
I become this sycophant of pain
I realize you are her and she is you
She’s out to get me, hurt me, tear me apart
She always finds a way to break more of my heart
I want her but she murders my soul

Lies, they can kill a man
And I’m no exception
Bearing false witness you devour
And I find myself tortured
With the realization
That she plays me like a game
Clutching my chest in agony
I try to withdraw but fail
I can’t run away because
She is only in my head anyway

stranded

Stranded

Part One: The Storm
A maelstrom has brewed, and sets upon me
The winds knock my ship like a toy
Waves crash and threaten to upturn
The rain falls all around, hits me
And I am washed away in the sins of my sorrow
I am lost again, seemingly forever alone, tossed by waves
Without anyone to hold on to, I tremble
The verge approaching with haste; then,
Floating for my life, the teardrops burst forth
The gale still roars around as well
Holding myself, I see no way out, I’m drowning
The perfect storm hits me full force, I’m blown away
Once again I am lost at sea, solitude consuming

Part Two: The Sand
After the tempest takes off, I’m still alone
Drifting for days with no hope, then; a beach
Solitary in proportions, I conquer single-handedly
I explore my new territory; emptiness reigns
A lone palm with a pool beneath it, murky with the unknowable
The beach composes the symphony of the everlast
Flowing sands of time hit by eternal waves

Part Three: The Hermit
I rule an empire of sand
No one but me dwells upon my lonely island;
Still, even I sometimes breakdown and forget my rules
Who would enforce them anyway
I live in the infinite book of sand
It surrounds me, endless, with an ocean fence
I am engulfed by it all, feeling isolated;
This is no archipelago, just a solitary island in an empty sea
The real value of insignificance is realized
I crave company but receive none; only the fish
But even among them there are sharks
Biting at what’s left of my tattered remains, my outer shell
This hermit wants to leave it all behind
And find someone, anyone…

the void

The Void

Fading away from something into nothing
From that nothing sprang forth the Void, in vile splendor
The Void growing inside, threatening to consume my soul
Sometimes unknown why the feelings appear and remain
Control maintaining harder than imagined in the first place
My own voice represented in vain, vacant; the Void voting for visions of pain
Sucking life out leechlike, parasitic infestation uncontrolled

Am I the only one black within?
Not so much black as empty
Yet filled with the Void
I vanish, to be gone

Knowing not what I do anymore, life’s a mystery
The show’s run by the Void, tickets unfound, yet not lost
Tolerated to a point, looking back to see it was never there
Is it possible? Highly improbable, the Void resides as me now
Dead is my outside, empty is my inside; yet full of despair
As the shell of the man I once was the Void, always consuming, became me
Game over, the vampiric Void drained out all hope, gone forever, vanished everlasting.

this time

This Time

Sitting in shame while the grief and pains
Take everything away, and things won’t be the same
Again I’m alone, again on my own
Again I’m alone, again on my own

But this time is my time [never again shall be yours]
I will rise this last time [I won’t run away]
And this crime is my crime [I am shutting all the doors]
There won’t be a next time [now you all will pay]

I was meant for more but I turned out less
Giving up the part I’ve played so long
My role shifting from the sweet caress
That I’ve never known, to evil visions so wrong

All of your memories
They won’t stop haunting me
And it is changing me
And I can’t go back again

to my love:

To My Love:

Like birds migrating
You go back again
To words degrading
When will it end?
My hope is fading
Heart breaking more every day
I’ll always be waiting
To take you away

He’s my curse and my bane
To him you're just a game
But you continue the pain
You think that you are to blame
But truthfully not
For a demon you're not
I love you more than the world
And just wish you were my girl

Every time we’re apart
It breaks more of my heart
I know that you are with him
While I’m still at the start
You chose him over me
I guess that’s how it shall be
But I love you more than the sky
And just wish I was your guy

torn to pieces

Torn To Pieces

You betrayed me, as all else have
Lied to myself thinking you weren’t the same
Scraps and snippets of a fragmented heart
Are shredded over and again
I can cry, but the thoughts shall remain
I thought you could save me
But you threw me back down, harder
No hope for me here, I have nothing left
I withdraw as I’m torn into pieces

I’m ripped, shredded
Torn in a million pieces
The loves lost, lingering, kill
And tear at my soul

Too Far Too Late

Too Far Too Late

I’m already in too far; the hurt has already begun,

Sprung upon me like a mousetrap of sorrow

I collapse onto my knees, holding my face in my hands

I know I can’t just turn back now; I must finish what I started

Love being the method of dying that’s been chosen for me

Why was I chosen for this, the most cruel and unusual of punishments?

I’ve gone in too far, set me free

I can’t take it anymore; it’s too late for me

An icy chill runs down my spine as the emptiness awakens within me

Cold tendrils of the loneliness I’ve known for so long slide down my arms

Arctic breath blows down my arms to fingers that hold death’s hand

Creeping down, it fills my whole body, now just frosty vestiges

Once again I’m played the fool; shivering, I hold myself as my tears freeze

Misery seeps into every pore and bleeds through my veins

With these jaundiced eyes I watch my life in slow motion

From the outside, looking in, I realize why wintry legions reign

All while the malicious, incessant tick-tock of lifeclocks drain

Pushing too far, I’m left all alone

It’s too late, desolations overgrown

Too far too late

For me to stay here with the weight

Too far too late

Walkabout, desiring a clean slate

Too far too late

Biding my time for release, I wait

Too far too late

Too far too late

Again I peer through the window at the darkened silhouette

At a hollow shell surrounded by pitch-blackened solitude

A scarred and tortured soul, alone, with thoughts darker than the purest eclipse

The memories of what never happened burn hotter than a thousand suns

Another betrayal winds its way, a seething snake, hissing a warning

Off the beaten path I blaze a trail, glorious fanfare long gone

Away in the nothing, I’m nowhere; simply a shadow in passing

A relic of a better time, a time that didn’t exist; just a dream

I am the thing that should not be, a monster made from pieces of others

Seeking acceptance but being quarantined, like some kind of disease

I am that filthy cur, begging for mercy, stranded in the fall of all innocence

I build my barriers around the bridges I have burned, for liberation

All under the cover of darkness, dig a hole for me to lie forever within

My own gravedigger, reaper, and harvester all in one

Now I am left here to fade from this world and all its treachery